Tag Archives: bugs

Overreaction

Today there was a cockroach in our classroom the size of my hand.

It was literally the largest bug I’ve ever seen in real life, and it was hanging out right under one of our computers. My co-teacher spotted it first and relayed the information to me in the calmest, quietest tone she could muster (and if you know my co-teacher, you can appreciate the restraint this took) in order to not draw the kids’ attention, whispering the phrase “I’m going to throw up” no less than six times.

I’m not good with bugs. But more and more kids were spotting it, and the classroom was one second away from full blown hysteria. I appreciated that my co-teacher was PRETENDING to take action by grabbing a tissue box, but, let’s be real, she wasn’t going to do shit, other than possibly puke on herself.

It was up to me.

So I calmly walked over to the roach with a mountain of tissues, scooped it up, and placed it in a plastic ziplock bag. The kids gasped and then erupted into applause. They were being absurd and beyond dramatic. Then, for the next 20 minutes, they were unable to focus on their writing task. They were giving me the thumbs up, congratulating me, telling me how brave I am– pretty much anything they could do to avoid their work. You know how 9 year olds are. It was a total overreaction and completely ridiculous.

I’ve never felt cooler.

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Fly Guy

I was on the phone with Eric and, for what seems like the millionth time this month, a fly flew right into my apartment. I know what you’re thinking– didn’t you JUST post about killing a fly the other day? How is your apartment THAT disgusting that you have this bad a fly problem?

To clarify, I don’t have a fly PROBLEM. But inevitably, every time I open my balcony sliding door (which is the only “window” in my apartment), at least one fly finds its way in and then NEVER. FUCKING. LEAVES.

Last week I spent seven days with the same fly. I pretty much accepted on day 5 that we were roommates now, so I gave him a name (“Fly Guy”….it had been a long day) and I started to contemplate ways I could make the apartment more comfortable for him. Then, just as I’m googling “Do flies like pop music?” Fly Guy landed right in front of me on the coffee table. So I did what any good roommate would do– I beat him repeatedly with a People magazine while screaming “WHO LIVES HERE NOW, BITCH?!?!” and then texted Eric “I killed that motherfucking fly!” with no less than 14 gold trophy emojis.

Anyway, this is all to say, the flies have been an issue.

So an hour ago on the phone, when the fly came in and I screamed, “I can’t handle ANOTHER FLY!”, Eric agreed that this was, in fact, the most stressful situation a human being could possibly find herself in. He then suggested an old trick that works every time– covering a plate in honey. The flies, he promised, would instantly be attracted to it, fly on top, and get stuck. “But you have to cover the WHOLE plate in a thick coat of honey. The more surface area, the better. Don’t just dabble it on there.” I promised I would do it correctly.

Thrilled that I had a new, trusted kill strategy under my belt, I set up the trap and have been excitedly staring at it for the past hour, waiting for the dramatic death-by-honey scene to unfold.

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It has just occurred to me that Eric is fucking with me.