We ordered a sampler platter from the local Persian restaurant because we were told the hen is delicious. Eric opens up the platter….
Eric: “Where’s the hen?!”
Me: “What do you mean? It’s right there.”
Eric: “That’s chicken, not hen.”
Me: “Hen is chicken.”
Eric: “No it’s not.”
Me: “Yes. It is. A hen is a female chicken.”
Eric: “What? No. That’s like saying a bird is a pigeon.”
Eric accuses me of being less than pleasant in the morning before coffee. This is valid. However, this morning is a perfect example of what I deal with every day.
Eric (after using my blow dryer to warm himself post-shower, setting it down on the top of the toilet, and it crashing to the floor, knocking down my makeup bag): “Hey, you know what?”
Me (frantically getting dressed and trying not to be late, after having squeezed in a 5-mile pre-work training run): “What?”
Eric: “Besides monkeys, humans are the only animals that have butts.”
Me: (no response. For obvious reasons.)
Eric: “Like…think about it.”
Me: (looking at clock, realizing I’m down to the wire)
Eric: “Four legged animals just have their legs, and then a buttHOLE. But no BUTT.”
Me: “Uh huh…”
Eric: “And like–”
Me: “K bye! Love you!” (Leave)
So in context, I think we can all agree I’m doing what I need to do to survive.
(Continuation of Just Based on Your Looks )
So last week, a kid told me that physically, I resemble a Siberian cat. She wasn’t sure which animal represented my personality, but she thought about it (a LOT) over the weekend and finally decided:
I shit you not. She decided I am a sperm whale.
I asked her why, and she gave me an entire dissertation. Literally a 10-15 point list. I asked her to please write it down because at a certain point, I was unable to follow what the hell she was saying.
I did manage, however, to process and remember her #1 reason: “Sperm whales are very intelligent animals that hang around the bottom of the ocean with the least intelligent of species.”
I’m assuming this is a dig at my co-teacher. Not because she’s not intelligent, but because that would be fucking hilarious.
Pretty much all the other reasons began with the sentence, “Well, don’t be offended by this, but…”
That’s when I stopped listening and told her to put it in writing.
To be continued.