Rushing to kiddie class this morning, I’m pushing Nora’s stroller down the street when I get stuck behind the world’s slowest stroller-pushing woman on the world’s narrowest sidewalk. At one point, thank god, the sidewalk widens, and so I take this opportunity to speed up and bypass the woman and her stroller. I guess she didn’t appreciate this maneuver, as she then yelled, “Excuse me– don’t think you’re better than me just because you have a bigger, fancier stroller!”
Which is absurd.
Your stroller is carrying a 30-pound cat.
THAT is why I’m better than you.
Me: “Aw, my mom’s friend wrote me a really nice email. I donated to her son’s charity and she sent me such a lovely thank you note.”
Eric: “That’s nice. Look! <shows me his phone> Here’s a video about a collar you can put on a cat that translates it’s purr into a human voice.”
28 weeks ago, I posted the photo below (of MY water bottle) on my Instagram. It received a whopping 8 likes.
Yesterday, @teachermisery posted my photo on THEIR Instagram:
I was honored and flattered that @teachermisery jacked my photo, but I couldn’t help but think “WHY DOES NO ONE LIKE ME?!?”
JK, it wasn’t that dramatic. But it WAS important enough for me to interrupt Eric at work and complain to him. And here was Positive Peter’s take:
He’s so cute when he blatantly lies to my face.
And even if his numbers WERE accurate (I didn’t do the math, I’m just assuming he was bullshitting me, it’s sort of what he does), the 300 likes more than doubled, so now the stats are way off. THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL WORSE, ERIC.
So a few things, friends:
- I need an agent. If you’re interested in doing that for exactly zero dollars, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
- Follow my Instagram, @emilysposts1. I used to just post screen shots of my posts but I soon learned that’s annoying, as people on Insta don’t like to read. I get it. Words are hard. Fair enough. So I’ve recently started posting more actual photos. YOU’RE WELCOME, all my friends who have complained! (so…all my friends.).
- I promise to never post a photo of a cat.
- I promise that if I break the promise in #3, it’ll be because I’m making fun of the cat.
- No, never mind. No cats. I’m firm on this.
(Continuation of Just Based on Your Looks )
So last week, a kid told me that physically, I resemble a Siberian cat. She wasn’t sure which animal represented my personality, but she thought about it (a LOT) over the weekend and finally decided:
I shit you not. She decided I am a sperm whale.
I asked her why, and she gave me an entire dissertation. Literally a 10-15 point list. I asked her to please write it down because at a certain point, I was unable to follow what the hell she was saying.
I did manage, however, to process and remember her #1 reason: “Sperm whales are very intelligent animals that hang around the bottom of the ocean with the least intelligent of species.”
I’m assuming this is a dig at my co-teacher. Not because she’s not intelligent, but because that would be fucking hilarious.
Pretty much all the other reasons began with the sentence, “Well, don’t be offended by this, but…”
That’s when I stopped listening and told her to put it in writing.
To be continued.
Kid: “Some people who believe in reincarnation make predictions about what a person will be in her next life, based on the animal she currently resembles.”
Me: “Interesting. So what will I be in my next life?”
Kid: “Hmmm…I’m thinking something in the feline family. Perhaps a siberian cat.”
Kid: “Well, no, I mean…just based on your looks.”
Me: “Yeah no, I got that.”
Kid (shrugging): “Well, sorry. But it’s true. Based on personality would be a totally different animal though. But I’m not sure right now. Give me the weekend, I’ll think about it and let you know on Monday.”
Great. Can’t fucking wait.
You’re still a young single guy with a cat.