Tag Archives: feminism

It’s a Win-Win For You, Men

Me at the gym today:

Guy (staring at my belly): “Congrats! When are you due?”
Me: “How DARE you assume I’m pregnant! What if I had just gained weight?! Learn some manners, presumptuous asshole.”

Me on the subway today:

Guy (staring at my belly): <does nothing>
Me: “How DARE you not stand up and give me your seat! I am CLEARLY pregnant! Learn some manners, selfish asshole.”

Me, pregnant, generally:

Guys: <not looking at me>
Me: “Oh so now that I’m pregnant I’m no longer attractive?! Men are such superficial assholes.”

Me, not pregnant, generally:

Guys: <looking at me>
Me: “Fucking perverts. All of you.”


Please Hold While I Get Your Medal

Eric: “So I was just with an older woman in the laundry room and she sees me putting clothes in the dryer and she’s like ‘What is this– a man doing the laundry? Really?’ And I was like ‘Yeah, of course!’ and she’s like ‘Really? Wow. Your wife doesn’t do the laundry?’ and I was like ‘Well, my wife and I split the chore 50/50– she does all the folding, so I do the washing and drying part’ and the woman was like ‘Oh my goodness, your wife is SO lucky!'”

Me, throughout this entire story: img_1179-5



The most annoying thing about Hillary Clinton running for president is that when I vote for her (and I will), everyone will say I only voted for her because she’s a woman. Which is just an ignorant and sexist thing to say, as it completely undermines my intelligence and projects the assumption that I know nothing about the issues or what is best for America. So I want to make it clear, right here and right now, that I am NOT voting for Hillary because she’s a woman.

I’m voting for her because she’s married to Bill.

Love that rascal!


An Open Letter to Someecards

Dear Someecards,

WTF, guys? Look, I’ve always been a huge fan. Love your cards, and send them to everyone I know, for all occasions, no matter how seemingly inappropriate (most recent lesson learned: Death of a beloved pet = never funny. Friend getting dumped = only sometimes funny, with the right drugs on hand).

So I went to your online store, knowing you’d have some hilarious gift options for my 6-week-old nephew, who is the the cutest damn thing in the world but who also does some pretty weird shit, such as not understand English and constantly piss himself. I knew if anyone would understand how selfish and absurd babies are, it’d be you guys. And I was right! Your website gave me several baby-shaming options, right down to “I totally wrecked a vagina” (which I came thisclose to ordering, but my sister’s sense of humor has its limits, in that it barely exists.)

But there was one that was just freakin PERFECT, because, as much as my sister loves being a mom and loves that little chicken mcnugget, she mutters the words “Being a lawyer is so much easier than taking care of an infant” at a rate of 3 times per minute whenever I’m there. So when I saw the onesie that read “I make Daddy look forward to going into the office,” I thought, “Oh! Perfect! I just need the Mommy version!”

But there is no Mommy version. So I thought, “Oh, ok, this is weird. Maybe someecards just doesn’t have anyone on staff who is a woman. Or knows a woman. Or has existed in society in the past 50 years. Or lives in America. Or has heard of America.” But then I perused your “Somewhat Topical,” section, and this everyone-at-someecards-is-living-under-a-boulder-or-maybe-in-Afghanistan theory didn’t quite add up, as I see you have already printed cards about the Selma Oscar snub, Fifty Shades of Grey the Movie, and even a hilarious depiction of someone getting killed by traffic while crossing the street and checking their iPhone (totally going to happen to me one day, so I’m glad people will have a card to send to my mother).

Anyway, I’m not saying I’m going to protest your site or anything, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed. I count on you guys to be spot-on in your depictions of our ridiculous, fucked-up, asinine society. So let me be the first to clue you in: in our ridiculous, fucked-up, asinine society– women work.

Thanks for listening,
Emily (a woman who works, and who plans to work when she has kids one day, and who plans to be just as excited as her husband to get away from said kids– so get that Mommy-in-the-workplace shit made before then. You probably have a while.)