My therapist calls and I pick up to begin our phone session…
Me (sniffling): “Hello?”
Therapist: “Are you ok?”
Me: “Yes, sorry, I just made the mistake of watching This is Us on DVR and of course now I’m ugly choke-sobbing.”
Therapist: “What is This is Us?”
And then I got a new therapist.
Turns out I cannot deposit this check written out to “Mr. and Mrs. Taylor” while I am still technically Emily Lerman.
This is how it begins.
Me: “The Roku isn’t working.”
Eric: “What’s wrong with it?”
Me: “I don’t know, but when I press the ‘TV Input’ button, it doesn’t even go to the Roku channel.”
Eric: “Ok, so…if it’s skipping over that Input channel, what would logic tell you?”
Me: <blank stare>
Eric (speaking slowly): “What might that say about the INPUT WIRE for the Roku…?”
Me: <blanker stare>
Eric: “I’ll fix it.”
Me: “Thanks babe!”
Maybe next time we skip the lesson.
“Oh!! It’s like a trans…PARENT.”
— Eric, 3 seasons into Transparent.
Is anybody else REALLY FUCKING EXCITED for “This is Us”??!!??!?!
Watch this trailer and don’t cry I double dog DARE you (whether or not I’m drunk right now is irrelevant).
If Trump becomes president, I’m moving to 15 Yemen Road, Yemen.
I was REALLY enjoying watching “Fuller House” until I read the reviews for “Fuller House,” which essentially claim that if you are enjoying watching “Fuller House,” it’s because you’re a fucking idiot whose life is sad.
Me (excitedly): “Oh! Wanna watch ‘Girls?'”
Eric (adamant): “No. Absolutely not.”
Me: “Oh, come on.”
Eric (more adamant): “NO.”
Me: “I don’t understand why you have such a problem with it. ”
Eric: “‘Girls’ is what they’re now showing at Guantanamo Bay. Instead of water boarding.”
Me: “Ok, ok.”
Eric: “Lena Dunham is terrible.”
Me: “I get it.”
Eric: “And Shoshana should be Sho-shot.”
Me: “Shoshana is the likable one! It’s Allison Williams’s character who’s the worst!”
Eric: “The one who had her asshole eaten out on camera? Yeah, I bet her dad is REAL proud. Look at him now. She gets her ass eaten out and the next thing you know he’s lying to America and getting fired. Look what ‘Girls’ did to HIM.”
Me: “Ok, we won’t watch it. Christ.”
Today in school, a kid got in trouble for hitting another student. When my co-teacher and I told him that unfortunately, we would now have to inform his mother, he began to cry and begged us not to tell her.
Kid: “PLEASE don’t call my mom! She will punish me and I’ll be grounded!”
Us: “And what exactly happens when you are grounded?”
Kid: “I can’t do anything!”
Kid: “Yeah! I just have to sit on the couch and watch tv all day!”
So your punishment is the exact life I want to be living.
No wonder you’re a disaster.
“This is just like The O.C.! But in Texas. With less money.”
— my co teacher, watching TV series Friday Night Lights for the first time