“Where’d we meet? On an app called J-Swipe. Oh, you don’t know it? Well, it’s an app where Jews can swipe left or right on other Jews. It’s also location-based, so you can see all the Jews in your immediate vicinity. Basically I looked at my app and was like, ‘What’s that, a Jew 2 blocks away? Sounds convenient– let’s do this!’ No no, don’t give me that look. This was not a sleazy late night meeting. I know people refer to J-Swipe as the Jewish Tinder, but it’s really not the same reputation. And besides, Tinder doesn’t even have that slutty rep anymore! I totally know people who have found true love on Tinder. But anyway, I think the fact that it’s a Jewish site makes it inherently less one-night-stand-ish because, I mean, if you’re a Jew specifically looking for another Jew, you presumably are probably wanting more than just a one-night ‘wham bam thank you jewish ma’am?’ Don’t you think?”
“Oh, I’m sorry…I thought we were in the trust tree…in the nest. Are we not?”
— Conversation I envision happening when we meet with our wedding rabbi.
That moment when your therapist takes out her iPhone to check on the availability of a medication, but then leaves it in her hand, and you are 99% sure she is on her Tinder app for the remainder of your $300-per-hour session. Which is absurd.
Because HELLO?! TILT THE PHONE SO I CAN SEE!
Co-teacher (helping a kid write his historical fiction story): “If the colonial man in your story is chopping down a tree and the tree is falling, what might he yell out?”
Kid: (blank stare)
Coteacher: “Starts with a T…”
Kid: “Oh! TINDER!!!!!!”
(Continuation of This Optimistic Guy)
Is it bad that I’m kind of starting to like him?
Oh. Real = sit on my face? Glad we cleared that up.
I’m fine. Thanks for asking.
This blizzard seems like the perfect opportunity to join Tinder, as it is a known fact that anything you do during a blizzard cannot be held against you in a court of public opinion about the state of your life*.
*public opinion includes family**
**family includes you, Mom***
***Someone please explain Tinder to my mom****
****You know what? Maybe don’t.*****
*****Mom– Tinder is a place where nice, rich, Jewish men go to find intelligent, head-strong, confident women who absolutely don’t NEED a man but regardless would be fine settling down with a guy who likes wine and Tina Fey and buying diamonds and going to the Breakers in Palm Beach every winter.******
******I know, it’s a weirdly specific site.