Getting Nora ready to attend a Yom Kippur break fast….
Me: “We’re going to eat lots of yummy Jewish food! Like bagels, and lox, and maybe even some kugel!”
Nanny: “Oh! I love Jewish food.”
Me: “Oh really?”
Nanny: “Yes my favorite is spaghetti bolognese.”
Nanny: “I worked for this Jewish lady and EVERY single Thursday she make spaghetti bolognese and I tell my husband ‘Oh, I LOVE this Jewish food!”
Me: “Ok, but spaghetti bolognese is not, like, a traditionally JEWISH food.”
Nanny: “But she is Jewish.”
Me: “She’s just a Jew who likes spaghetti.”
Me: “With everything going on in our country right now, I’m honestly just so horrified and saddened as a human in general– but as a Jew in particular, as I know you can relate–”
Therapist: “Oh I’m actually not Jewish.”
Me: “You’re NOT?! But your last name–”
Therapist: “I know. A common Jewish last name. People often assume I am Jewish.”
Me: “But I feel like I’ve had all these insider only-jews-would-get-this kind of exchanges with you.”
Therapist: “Hmm. I didn’t interpret them that way.”
Therapist: “What are you thinking?”
Me: “Oh, oh nothing. This obviously doesn’t change anything.”
I just have to re-think every piece of advice you’ve ever given me.
Discussing fasting on Yom Kippur with a Jewish friend…
“Where’d we meet? On an app called J-Swipe. Oh, you don’t know it? Well, it’s an app where Jews can swipe left or right on other Jews. It’s also location-based, so you can see all the Jews in your immediate vicinity. Basically I looked at my app and was like, ‘What’s that, a Jew 2 blocks away? Sounds convenient– let’s do this!’ No no, don’t give me that look. This was not a sleazy late night meeting. I know people refer to J-Swipe as the Jewish Tinder, but it’s really not the same reputation. And besides, Tinder doesn’t even have that slutty rep anymore! I totally know people who have found true love on Tinder. But anyway, I think the fact that it’s a Jewish site makes it inherently less one-night-stand-ish because, I mean, if you’re a Jew specifically looking for another Jew, you presumably are probably wanting more than just a one-night ‘wham bam thank you jewish ma’am?’ Don’t you think?”
“Oh, I’m sorry…I thought we were in the trust tree…in the nest. Are we not?”
— Conversation I envision happening when we meet with our wedding rabbi.
The Christmas season is officially upon us, which means that countless people, friends and strangers alike, will be wishing me a very merry Christmas. But I’m Jewish. So you know what I’ll be saying in return?
Because I’m not a dick.
Well yeah, of course, I completely agree with the outrage over the new Starbucks Christmas cups. I don’t have to be Christian to understand the controversy and be completely offended. How do you go from touting symbols of Christmas to completely removing them?
I mean, what if Starbucks took the menorahs off the blue Chanukah cups?
Or the kinaras off the Kwanza cups?!
Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.
I dare you– DARE YOU– to start your day watching/listening to this clip and not be in a better mood.
Hold on to your habit– shit’s about to get joyful!!!!!
A few disclaimers:
1) I am not claiming that a song/dance routine can cure depression. If that were the case, I would have flushed my Prozac years ago and used the therapy money to buy a yacht. Well, not a yacht. Maybe a lifetime’s worth of Chipotle? Ok fine a yacht is a better investment. I just felt my dad put his head in his hands. (It’s just…then I’d have to learn how to yacht, how to take care of a yacht…just seems like a lot of work, Dad….)
2) My sharing of this clip is not a promotion of religion. I am not religious. I am certainly not Catholic. I am Jewish, remember? You must be new here.
3) Hey, remember when Lauryn Hill didn’t hate all white people? Ok, fine, that turned out to be a nasty rumor (seriously– I was curious so I Snope-d it), but it still made me sad for a few years.
4) I obviously still bought her album, screamed the lyrics to “Doo-Wop (That Thing)” and just hoped she never found out about it. Because if the rumors about her not wanting white people to sing her music were true, I was most definitely the EXACT white person she was talking about.
5) Yeah, I know. 3 and 4 aren’t really disclaimers. It’s called A.D.D., guys.