All posts by Emily

She KNEW it!!

Giving a kid a spelling test on homophones, I provide sentences for context. So for sun/son, I say:

“The SUN is shining brightly.”
“My SON is still a young baby.”

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Me: “Excuse me?”
Kid: “My mom said your baby was a girl but I always see the picture on your phone and I told her it’s not a girl it’s DEFINITELY a boy! Like he’s the most boy-looking boy ever!”
Me: “That sentence was just to give context for your spelling test– it wasn’t true. I don’t have a son. I have a daughter.”
Kid: “Oh.”

(awkward silence)

Kid: “She’s VERY pretty.”

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You Might Be Waiting a While

A woman at the playground is doing her best at disciplining, but is clearly struggling…

Woman: “Now, Sophie, I’m going to ask you again– was that a smart strategy?”
Sophie: (blank stare)
Woman: “We’ve talked about this before. And what did I tell you?”
Sophie: (blank stare)
Woman: “Come on, I know you remember. What did I tell you about making smart choices?”
Sophie: (looks away)
Woman: “Sophie! I’m talking to you. And we’re not going anywhere until you answer me.”
Me: “Um, sorry– I don’t mean to intrude but I don’t think she’s going to answer….”
Woman: “Oh trust me, she will. She’s just thinking about her actions. When she’s ready, she’ll respond. Right Sophie?”
Sophie: (looks at ground)
Me: “Ok…I guess what do I know? Good luck!”
Woman: “Thank you. Now, Sophie– I’m still waiting. What did we talk about yesterday? What would be a smarter strategy than the one you chose?”

Sophie is a dog.

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Listen It’s a Catchy Tune Ok

Ran into our right-across-the-hall neighbor, who works from home and has two kids…

Neighbor: “Sounds like you guys are really in the throes of Elmo-obsession!”
Me: “Oh god, yes! Can you hear the TV in the morning? I’m so sorry!”
Neighbor: “No, no. Never heard the TV. But every single day, like clockwork, between noon and 1, I hear you singing ‘Elmo’s Song’ over and over. I totally remember that phase when my kids made me sing that crap on repeat.”
Me: “Oh my god I know. It’s the WORST.”

Our nanny comes every day at noon and takes Nora to the playroom.

Noon to 1 is my alone time in the apartment.

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IgNORA

Eric: “Nora!”

Nora: (ignores)

Eric: “Nora!”

Nora: (ignores)

Eric: “Nora! Look at me!”

Nora: (ignores)

Eric: “NORA!!”

Nora: (sees Cookie Monster stuffed animal on floor) “Cookieeeeeee!”

Eric (defeated): “You’re just like your mother.”

Like a Tiny Well-Mannered Adult

A bunch of kids are gathered around the chalkboard at the kiddie gym, almost all of them with a snack:

Random Mom (to me): “How do you get your kid to eat so nicely and calmly? She’s like a tiny well-mannered adult!”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice of you to say! Um, I don’t know, I guess I just got lucky?”

Random Mom: “I just can’t believe she’s able to eat those blackberries without making ANY mess on her face.”

Me: “Oh. That’s actually not my kid…”

Random Mom: “Oh! Which one’s yours again? The kid with the cheerios in her hand?”

Me: “No…”

Random Mom: “Her? With the cheerios in the cup?”

Me: “No…”

Random Mom (sees no other choice): “With the cheerios stuck to her neck?”

Me: “Yes.”

(10 second silence)

Random Mom: “Are those even her cheerios?”

Me: “Nope.”

Random: “They’re in her hair too…”

Me: “I see that.”

Random: “How’d she even get them?”

Me: “Hard to say…”

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Spot On

Saleslady: “Has anyone ever told you that you have a dead-ringer celebrity doppelgänger?”
Me: “Yup, I get it all the time.”
Saleslady: “Ok, so I’m not crazy! You look exactly like–”

(in unison)

Me: “Sarah Jessica Parker!”
Saleslady: “Ellen Degeneres!”

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Pretty spot on visual depiction of how I like to delude myself vs. reality.

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Jewish Food

Getting Nora ready to attend a Yom Kippur break fast….

Me: “We’re going to eat lots of yummy Jewish food! Like bagels, and lox, and maybe even some kugel!”

Nanny: “Oh! I love Jewish food.”

Me: “Oh really?”

Nanny: “Yes my favorite is spaghetti bolognese.”

Me: Thinking_Face_Emoji

Nanny: “I worked for this Jewish lady and EVERY single Thursday she make spaghetti bolognese and I tell my husband ‘Oh, I LOVE this Jewish food!”

Me: “Ok, but spaghetti bolognese is not, like, a traditionally JEWISH food.”

Nanny: “But she is Jewish.”

Me: “Right…”

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Me: “She’s just a Jew who likes spaghetti.”

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