Many of you have asked me if I ACTUALLY wore the gloves while tutoring, as a matter of self-respect. I assure you– I have little of that. For $120 an hour, I wore those gloves, and I wore them well. And now I am taking that cash and putting it in my savings for winter break in Mexico– where, ironically, I am much more likely to contract Ebola. (Maybe I’ll bring the gloves…)
Category Archives: Kids/Teaching
Ebola Mom, Part 1
October 24, 2014
In today’s edition of “Are People Fucking Serious?” THIS mother.
I Don’t Wear Makeup to Work
Tutoring…
Kid: “My uncle likes to meet girls on a website called Hinge, and he saw you on it.”
Me: “Well that’s just perfect.”
Kid: “He showed me your picture.”
Me: “That’s inappropriate, but ok.”
Kid: “Yeah, well. I told him that is NOT what you look like when you come to tutor me.”
Lies
Lies I told my students today:
“Cool clarinet reeds!”
“Alternating lime green/purple rubber bands in your braces? Fantastic choice!”
“Don’t worry about acne, no one notices it but you.”
“A witch for Halloween? How creative!”
“A United Airlines pilot for Halloween? Not weird at all!”
“I have NOT seen Ender’s Game but your lengthy description makes it sound super interesting.”
“Well don’t YOU look dapper in those suspenders!”
I’m fucking exhausted
Balloons
October 17, 2014
I arrive to tutor and tell the kid I need to use the bathroom before we begin. She says her toilet is broken but that I can use her parents’ bathroom. She escorts me there, opens the bathroom door, and glances inside.
Kid: “Oh man, Dad left his balloons on the floor again!”
Condoms. They were condoms
Having an Impact
People say that as a teacher, I am shaping the future of America. I’m not sure I truly believed that until this very moment.
Me (to a boy wearing a baby pink version of our school t-shirt): “Love the shirt! What made you choose pink over the green or white?”
Kid: “Because you always say– ‘real men wear pink.'”
They Know Me
Watching the movie version of our class read-aloud (Because of Winn Dixie), and Dave Matthews makes a surprise cameo.
Me: “Did any of you recognize that man who played Otis?
Kid: “I did!”
Me: “Really?”
Kid: “No.”
Me: “Ok, then why did you say yes?”
Kid: “Because whenever you ask questions like that and nobody says yes, you get sad, put your head in your hands, and talk about how old you feel.”
Lightbulb Moments
That inspiring moment when a formerly confused student declares “This is easy!” while taking his math test.
That subsequent moment when you see he got every single question wrong.
Including his name.
And the date.
It’s For You
My tutoring kid greets me at the door, phone to her ear…
Kid (talking into phone): “Oh guess what, Uncle Dave!? EMILY is here!”
(Pauses to listen)
Kid (into phone): “You know– my tutor who I told you about? Remember? She has yellow hair, she’s 32, and she does NOT have a husband.”
(Pauses to listen)
Kid (into phone): “Ok one sec.” (Hands phone to me) “Here. He wants to talk to you.”
We Would Have Been Best Friends
Kid: “Ms. Emily, if I got in a time machine and went back 40 years to when you were my age, would you have liked me?”
Me: “Ok, well, first of all, I wasn’t alive 40 years ago, but thanks for that.”
Kid: “Oh. Oops.”
Me: “But yes, I would have liked you a lot. You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age.”
Kid: “Yeah, you always say that. Especially when I do something strange.”
Right. Well. I was a weirdo
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