Dear exasperated dad on the street,

Have you considered that your child is acting like an animal BECAUSE you have him on a leash?

Just something to think about.

Kid: “There’s something I noticed about the teacher species.”
Me: “Interesting. And what’s that?”
Kid: “They’re very nosy.”
Me: “How so?”
Kid: “They just always want to know everything.”
Me: “Like what?”
Kid: “Everything. They just ask a million questions.”
Me: “Like who? Specifically?”
Kid: “See!”

As it turns out, there is a direct correlation between your age and how stupid you will feel walking to work on pajama day.

Oh hello new neighbor! Are you a teacher? Because only a teacher could carry a Louis Vuitton bag that big yet still manage to look poor.

May 8, 2014

Thank you, parents of student, for acknowledging Teacher Appreciation Week with this $5 Starbucks gift card. I will enjoy every sip of the 1/3 of a latte that I am able to purchase with it.

Art Teacher (to me, during a field trip at The Met): “So I really want to take your students to see the African art, but in order to get there we have to walk through a hall of huge, wooden penises. What do you think?”

May 6, 2014

Free Chipotle for Teacher Appreciation Week!? And just like that, my masters degree pays for itself.

People keep asking if I’m excited about the increase in NYC teacher salaries. My answer is this: The day I can look my students straight in the eye and tell them that, financially speaking, becoming a teacher is a more responsible decision than becoming a stripper, is the day I will be excited.

Today is not that day.

The kid I’m tutoring keeps pronouncing the name “Virginia” (used repeatedly in her test prep book), as “Vagina.” In silent protest to state testing of 8 year olds, I am not correcting her.