Dear Lady,

I was willing to overlook it yesterday when we were on the beach, because hey, you’re clearly European, and maybe you mistakenly thought this WAS a topless beach, because topless beaches are totally a thing (again– not HERE. I want to be very clear that this is not in fact a topless beach).

But today we’re at the pool, and you’re still topless. Topless pools are not a thing. Nowhere are topless pools a thing. I can’t, like, legitimately verify this, but I’ve never been anywhere where topless pools are a thing.

As a preventative measure, I feel it is important to inform you now that topless restaurants are also most definitely NOT a thing. If you’re sitting at the table next to mine tonight and I see that you have ignored this fact, I will have no choice but to snap a photo and let the online community answer the “Do you think they’re real?” question that my friend Gina* has been obsessing over since the moment we first spotted you.