When your neighbor politely asks how you’re doing, don’t respond by telling him you’re having post-vacation anxiety and that you suspect you might have pink eye.

Your neighbor is not your therapist. Or your friend. Or, based on his reaction just now, someone who even remotely cares about you.

Try “Fine, thanks.” The old fine-thanks never landed anyone on the “do not talk to” list.

Although come to think of it, that’s a list I’d love to be on today. Maybe I’ll tell the kids I have pink eye.

Oh wait. Kids love things that are gross.

I can’t win.