Sometimes I text myself a reminder about something, and then 2 seconds later get genuinely excited when I receive a text, because I forgot that I just texted myself.
#dontsmokepotincollege #smokelesspotincollege
Category Archives: Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do
Honesty
They DO say honesty forms the foundation of a lasting relationship. So…<3???
A Letter to the Male CVS Cashier
Dear Male CVS Cashier,
When I am purchasing feminine products, you are not allowed to be a human. You are a robot. You ring up my purchase, you avoid eye contact, and you display zero emotion.
You do NOT scan my tampons, scan my party-size bag of M&Ms, and then wink at me.
Now everyone feels weird.
Emily
Next Best Thing
I arrive to tutor, and the kid’s mom greets me at the door…
Mom: “I heard you got engaged!”
Me: “Um…no, not that I’m aware of!”
Mom: “Oh. Really? That’s weird. [My daughter] has a friend in your class, and she said her teacher is engaged. She must be confused.”
Me: “Oh, well my co-teacher is engaged, so that’s probably what she meant!”
Mom: “Oh. Ok. Whoops.” (awkward pause). “Well I LOVE your shirt.”
Reasons I Should Never Talk
Salesman (at home goods store): “Can I help you, ma’am?”
Me: “Yes, I’m looking for curtains.”
Salesman: “Right this way. Any particular kind?”
Me: “Honestly, anything that will match my rug.”
And then I heard it.
Questions That Scare Me
X-ray Technician: “Are you pregnant?”
Me: “Oh, NO. No no no.”
Technician: “Ok calm down Ma’am. It’s just a routine question. I’m not your mother.”
It’s Michael B. Jordan!
That moment when you see Michael B. Jordan (who you LOVED in Friday Night Lights) on the subway and are SUPER excited and impressed with yourself for spotting this lesser-known celebrity.
That subsequent moment when you get a closer look and realize it’s not him.
So basically you’re just a racist.
Lost In Translation
That moment when your humor just doesn’t translate.
Me (to the male, Indian orthopedic massage therapist): “So is it a strained glute?”
Therapist: “This is more a problem with the IT band, mostly in the hip. There is some tension in the glute, though, yes.”
Me: “So basically, I can just tell people I have a tight ass?”
Therapist: “No ma’am. As I said, it is the IT band. The iliotibial band.”
Me: “Right but I prefer to say I have a tight ass.”
Therapist: “Ok ma’am. You can say what you like. But it will not be true.”
Feeling As Empowered As A Hooker
August 15, 2014
Walked into Yurman store wearing my running gear and got glared at by the sales woman. Little does she know I have a slightly damp wad of tutoring cash in my zip butt pocket.
“You work on commission, right? BIG mistake. Big. HUGE. I have to go shopping now!”
Say It One More Time, Slowly
Thank you, passenger sitting next to me on the plane, for sensing my confusion regarding the touch-screen tv, taking the time to explicitly show me how to use it , and only getting mildly annoyed with me when I STILL didn’t understand.
You are one smart 6-year-old.
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