Category Archives: Family

A Letter to My Future Nephew

December 1, 2014FamilyEmily

Dear Future Nephew,

Look, I get it– it’s cozy in there. It’s warm, snug, and you don’t have to do a damn thing. I wish I was in there, too. But seriously, today would be a good day for you to debut. You were due yesterday, so the whole family’s here in NYC, ready, waiting, and, to be quite honest, bored. Your mom’s demeanor has gone from her status-quo unamused to fucking miserable, which was entertaining for a while, but now, sitting across from her sober, longing face every night at dinner is just making me sad and killing everyone’s buzz.

So come on, man– take it from your exasperated Auntie Em, no one likes a man who shows up late. Be a gentleman! The world needs more of them.

(On that note– never, EVER take advice from your Uncle Jeremy. I cannot stress this enough).

xoxo,
Auntie Em

Following Up

December 1, 2014FamilyEmily

Having my parents in town is fun because it gives them the opportunity to ask follow-up questions about everything I post.

“So which ex-boyfriend had the small penis?”

Jeremy’s in Town

December 1, 2014FamilyEmily

CVS Cashier: “That’s a lot of toilet paper you’re buying there, ma’am!”

Me: “My brother is coming to visit.”

CVS Cashier: “Say no more.”

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Things Aunts Do

December 1, 2014FamilyEmily

Alright, future nephew, I just got a flu shot for you. So when you come out of the womb in a couple weeks, you owe me $30, plus interest.

Being an aunt is fun!

My Favorite Bedtime Story

December 1, 2014Dating/Single Life, FamilyEmily

When dating gets frustrating, listening to my mom tell the tale of how she met my dad is like snuggling up with the world’s most comforting bedtime story…
“Mommy, tell me the part again about how Daddy told you you were completely full of shit, and you cried and stormed out of the restaurant, but then you gave him a second chance and let him grow on you, even though you were pretty underwhelmed. That’s my favorite part.”

Voicemail Etiquette

November 30, 2014Family, Random Thoughts/HappeningsEmily

A friend just pointed out to me how horrible and rude it is when people don’t check their voicemails. I’ll admit I’m one of these people. If I see you’ve left a voicemail, I’d rather text you to touch base than listen to the voicemail. Apparently, this makes me a jerk.

So, for all those people who are still leaving me actual voicemails, I just want to say I’m sorry, Mom.

Free Will

November 30, 2014FamilyEmily

The whole family is out on the deck having an intense discussion about the existence of god, the idea of fate, and the role of the universe…

Zack: (finishing up a 10 minute speech about his spiritual beliefs): “….and that’s why every single decision you make is just leading you on your pre-ordained path.”
(Silence)
Dad: “I’m going to go put on some pants.”