We don’t actually care how your weekend was.
Category Archives: Kids/Teaching
A Letter to the CIA
Dear CIA,
To be clear, when I find a curse word written on a post-it in my classroom and I pretend that I am going to use the “Handwriting Analyzer” app on my iPhone to solve the who-done-it, making the 4th grade culprit so nervous that he cries and confesses– THAT is using an “enhanced interrogation technique.”
Rectal feeding is not. That is torture.
Maybe next time try MY trick.
Emily
Yup.
Kid: “Did your nephew come out yet?!”
Me: “Yes! Finally!”
Kid: “Through a cut in the belly, or through the hoo-ha?”
Me: “Oh. Um. I think that’s maybe a little bit too personal a question for me to answer.”
Kid (smug): “Definitely through the hoo-ha then.”
A Kid Defines Divorce
Reading a story about a kid whose parents are divorced….
Me: “Do you understand what that means? That they’re divorced?”
Kid: “Yeah. Divorce is what happens when a man gets in a bath tub with a woman who isn’t his wife, and then the wife finds out.”
Me: “Wow. That was specific.”
Kid: “You know my Uncle Dave?”
Me: “The one you and your mom want me to date? Yes.”
Kid: “That’s why HE’S divorced.”
Great. Can’t wait to meet him.
Things Kids Wonder
Kid: “Is the reason I’m so good at math because I’m Japanese?”
Me: “What?! No!”
Yes.
Kid-shamed
Kid: “You still have an iPhone 4?”
Me: “Yes.”
Kid: “Why don’t you get the 6?”
Me: “Well, kiddo, I don’t have enough money saved to get the 6 right now.”
Kid: “You should get a piggy bank.”
Me: “That’s a smart idea. I have a different kind of bank, they hold my money FOR me.”
Kid: “You let someone ELSE hold your money?”
Me: “Well, yes…”
Kid “Do you KNOW them?”
Me: “No, but…”
Kid: “That does NOT sound responsible. This is probably why you still have a 4.”
Me: “Ok well I’m not going to get into the details of banking, but just trust me that when you’re an adult, having a piggy bank is no longer a responsible way to save your money.”
Kid: “Ok, well. My [11-year-old] sister has a piggy bank and SHE has an iPhone6.”
Believe it or Not
Kid: “Are you still going to come tutor me next Thursday?”
Me: “No, it’s Thanksgiving.”
Kid: “I know. But my mom thought maybe you didn’t have plans, since you don’t have a husband or kids.”
Me: “Well believe it or not, kiddo, you don’t need EITHER of those things to celebrate Thanksgiving! So you can let mom know I have plans with family and friends.”
Kid: “Ok.” (Screaming over shoulder) “Mommmmm!!! BELIEVE IT OR NOT, Emily DOES have plans!!!!!”
This is a School
To the parent who asked me about training bras for her daughter, may I remind you that this is a school, not the preteen department of Bloomingdales.
Master’s Degree
Parent: “My daughter is reading at a level J but I want her to be a P for the test in April. Can you do that?”
Me: “I can try, but to be honest, that’s a big leap to make in such a short period of time.”
Parent: “You have your teaching degree from Columbia, right?”
Yes, ma’am, Columbia. Not Hogwarts.
#notawizard
Thoughtful Gifts
Kid: “Is there anything you want for the holidays? My parents want to get you a gift.”
Me: “That’s so nice! Any gift would be appreciated.”
Kid: “Well is there anything you NEED?”
Me: “Hmmm…let me think…”
Kid: “My mom said makeup.”
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