February 14, 2014

Thanks to all the 3rd grade boys who handed me valentines today, but more importantly thank you for the awkward, ass-out hugs that followed.

February 13, 2014

Today, kids, we will write letters to De Blasio using only letters cut from magazines and pictures of eyes.

February 5, 2014

For those students who win the ice pellet battle and actually make it to school, Today’s Classroom Agenda:
-Lesson 1: How to exercise your rights as citizens through letters to Mayor De Blasio.
-Lesson 2: Using nicknames in your greeting is an effective way to establish familiarity. Try “Dickhead” or “Asshat.” “Douchelord” if you’re feeling fancy.
-Lesson 3: Bodies of letters don’t always have to be formal paragraphs. Sometimes it’s ok to just make a list of reasons you hate someone.
-Lesson 4: Get creative with your closing! Phrases like “Watch your back” or “I’m coming for you” are thoughtful and fun.
-Lesson 5: Sometimes people need to know you’re serious. Signing your name in blood (perhaps the blood from the wound you sustained on that black ice during your walk to school) is a good way to communicate that.

January 22, 2014

No snow day, De Blasio? Fine. I’ll go to work. But if you think I’m not spending the entire day teaching my kids how to build and fast-pitch the perfect snowball, followed by target practice at Gracie Mansion, you are sorely mistaken.

My new favorite person = this kid’s mother…

I just reached into my work bag while tutoring a 2nd grader, and a tampon fell out of it.
Kid: “Uh oh. Is it your mean week?”
Me: “I’m sorry–what? Mean week?”
Kid: “My mom uses those during her mean week.”
Me: “Your mom and I have that in common.”
Kid: (gets up, goes to kitchen, comes back, places a Hershey Kiss on the table). “Here. This will help.”

Perhaps work on a more subtle execution….
Student: “Miss Emily, you look so pretty today! Like you’re glowing!”
Me: “Aw thanks, kiddo!” (Opening my arms for a hug)
Student: “Also I didn’t do my homework.”

During one of our (frequent) classroom karaoke sessions:
Student: “Miss Emily, you’re pretty good! You should take singing lessons– you have some real natural talent there!”
Me: “Aw thanks, Kiddo! That’s so sweet!”
Student: “Right but like I said– take lessons.”

Student: “Can I change my books after lunch?”

Me: “Sure. Just remind me when the time comes because–”

Student (rolling eyes): “I know, I know, you (doing air quotes) ‘have the memory and attention span of a flea.'”