November 1, 2013
Dear Students,
Remember this day-after-Halloween feeling (hazy, exhausted, regretful, with a 90% chance of vomit). This is how you will feel every single morning in college, if you’re doing it right. Start developing coping mechanisms now. Those of you who packed a little hair of the dog in your lunches (or better yet ate it for breakfast) are off to a good start.
Because I care about you,
Miss Emily
October 4, 2013
When my student complimented my “different” look this morning, I said: “Thanks kiddo! Thought I’d try something new today!”
Here’s what I wanted to say:
“Thanks kiddo! But truth is, Miss Emily is a goddamn disaster. Dropped my only set of keys down the elevator shaft when I got home last night and couldn’t get into my apartment. So I stumbled over to a friend’s place, slept there, and borrowed a dress for school today. I didn’t have any of my toiletries or hair products, so that’s why I don’t look like myself. My makeup is 8 shades too light and my dress a size too small. Let’s not even discuss the underwear situation. And I appreciate that you are suggesting I look nice, but you’re 8, and let’s be honest, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Now walk away from Miss Emily before she cries.”
September 17, 2013
My elementary school teachers disliked me not because I was spacey, but because I gave them strawberry jam as holiday gifts. Had I known then what I know now, I would have slipped them cash and introduced them to a nice man.
Tutoring a 2nd grader:
Kid: “How come I still have to learn with you when my teacher says in June we don’t have to learn anymore?”
Me: “Your teacher should not have told you that.”
Kid: “Why? She was just being honest. I like when adults are honest.”
Me: “Ok. Honestly? You still have to learn with me because your parents are paying me a lot of money.”
Kid: “Like enough money to buy a pack of Twizzlers?”
Me: “More than one.”
Kid: (pause) “Alright. Let’s learn then. But you better buy me a pack”
Kid: “Ms. Emily, when did you go to Paris?”
Me: “A while ago, when I was 23.”
Kid: “You’re older than 23?!?”
Me: “Yes, new favorite person. I’m 31.”
Kid: “THIRTY ONE?!?! Holy zucchini bread!!!”
Emily's Posts 