Category Archives: Mental Health

Thank You, Sarah Silverman

Kids/Teaching, Mental Health, , , , ,

I’m a teacher, so I obviously like kids. But, like most teachers, and many humans in general, I like my kids in a specific context. For example, if you’re my student and we’re in school, I like you. If you’re my student and it’s the weekend, no. If you came out of my sister’s uterus, no matter where we are and what you’re doing— love. If you’re from anyone else’s uterus and coughing on me in a confined space— hate.

So see, there are rules.

One context that never fares well for me and children is on airplanes. I have a bit of travel anxiety (picture Kristen Wigg in Bridesmaids, but with less of a scene and more drugs.)

Annoying-Things-About-Air-Travel

And yet, I inevitably always end up sitting next to a kid. Yesterday’s  flight back from Mexico was no exception.

The kid was seated in the middle, I was aisle, and Dad was window, reading his iPad and showing no indication that he even knew, much less liked, his child.  So, as children will do when they sense their parent wants nothing to do with them, the kid started in with the “look at me!” behavior.  First, he pointed to the window.

Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad (mindlessly, without looking up): “The window”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “Air conditioning.”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “A seat belt.”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “An arm rest.”

At this point you’re probably thinking, “Awww, that’s just what toddlers DO!”

This kid was at least 7.

It was intolerable. But the “what’s that’s” escalated, and with them, my anxiety levels. At a certain point, I gave up on trying to read my kindle and shut my eyes tight, wishing I was anywhere but there.

Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “That lady’s kindle”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “Her kindle cover”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “Words on the kindle”
Kid: “What’s that?”
Dad: “More words on the—“

And then Dad stopped talking and, flustered, said, “Ok, this game is over. Here, play with my iPad.”

The kid was silent. Praise Jesus.

I opened my eyes and looked down at my kindle. When I had closed my eyes, unbeknownst to me I had rested my hand on the kindle’s surface and inadvertently increased the font size tenfold. On the screen was this:

unnamed-8

I guess there were limits on what Dad was willing to name and label.

So thank you, Sarah Silverman. Your foul mouth bought me 15 minutes of blissful, peaceful silence on a packed airplane over the Gulf of Mexico. I’m sure that wasn’t your specific intent when writing those words, but I can’t help but think you’d be pleased with this subsequent outcome.

On a related note, I have a whole new respect for the word cunt.

Things I Tell Myself So I Don’t Cry

Dating/Single Life, Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happenings

1. Teaching would be so boring if the kids actually did the thing you said to do.

2. Adult acne is normal, and people are sympathetic.

3. Every couple that looks happy is actually secretly plotting each other’s murder, Mr.-and-Mrs.-Smith-style.

4. You don’t drink soda, so it’s fine to put 4 Splendas in your cafe mocha.

5. Every time you embarrass yourself, an angel gets its wings.  So when you die, you’re going to have a fucking mob-scene of angels waiting to thank you.

6. 32-and-single is the new black.

7. These extra 7 pounds you carry in the winter are necessary for warmth. They also make wearing a belt unnecessary, and you hate belts. #winning

8. At least you don’t have kids! (I have to be careful with this one– it only works in situations where I am overwhelmed, panicked, and can barely muster the energy to deal with MYSELF, much less anyone else.  Examples include airport delays, walking through Times Square, attending a 1-year-old’s birthday party at the Gymboree, or hailing a cab in the rain.)

9. Your dinner of brie nachos at 1am last night was an impressively inventive and creative use of scarce resources. It was not at all pathetic.

10. You’re paranoid– old noses can’t grow back. Seriously, walk away from the mirror.

11. “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” promised you that you won’t lose it if you don’t use it, so calm the fuck down.

12. The kids don’t notice that you don’t know what you’re doing. They think your mistakes are on purpose. Ride the wave of ignorance, and never teach older than 4th grade.

13. No one was disgusted/afraid to be around you that time you had bed bugs.

14. Or that time you had head lice.

15. If God wanted you to cook, he wouldn’t have invented Seamless.

16. If God didn’t want you to clean the apartment by shoving everything under the bed, he wouldn’t have invented bed skirts.

17. It’s normal to be afraid to check your mailbox, and to worry “What if it’s the government?!” every time you don’t recognize the number of an incoming call.

18. A healthy mental state is for losers.

19. It’s safe under this blanket.

IMG_1198

Things Single People Tell Themselves

Dating/Single Life, Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happenings

Whenever I get anxious about the fact that I am single in my 30s, I remind myself of the statistic that proves that marriages starting at a later age are far less likely to end in divorce. I focus on the hypothesized-yet-unfounded explanation for this, which is that when you are older, you are more mature, you’ve had more experiences, and you really know who you are– and all these things make you well-prepared to share your life with someone in a healthy, productive way.

I ignore the logical and more plausible explanation, which is that the older you are when you marry, the closer you are to death.

Can’t get divorced if you’re dead.

Therapy

Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happenings

This week I had an epiphany about the root of my anxiety disorder and I couldn’t WAIT to tell my therapist about it. So at our most recent session, I did:

Me: “So, this one time when I was in 6th grade, I got off at my bus stop, and once the bus drove away, this girl hopped out of a parked car and came running towards me. And for absolutely no reason at all, she began screaming at me ‘what are you looking at, bitch?!’ And of course, what I was looking at was her, because she was running towards me like a lunatic. I was terrified. And confused. So I just kind of stuttered ‘um, nothing…’ and then bam! She punched me in the face. Then she kicked me a few times. And then she just ran away. It was one of the most bizarre moments of my life, and for a while I was scared to get off at the bus stop by myself, so my friend Michelle came home with me every day for weeks. Then, I don’t know, eventually I just kind of forgot about it and never really actively thought about it again. Until recently, when someone jokingly startled me, and the memory suddenly came back. And that’s when it clicked! What if all my adult anxiety can be traced back to this one crazy moment in my childhood, when my innocent little dorky jewish girl bubble of a life was shattered by this freakish event, and so internally there was this shift, this realization that nothing can be trusted, that life can just knock you down out of nowhere and for no reason, and so I’ve generalized that feeling I had in that one moment and I’ve let it color every aspect of my adult life, in a post-traumatic-stress type way?  Don’t you think that makes so much sense? That it totally explains this formerly inexplicable fear I constantly carry around with me?”

Therapist: “No. Absolutely not.”

Oh. Ok.

Monday Mornings

Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happenings

Monday mornings are always the perfect opportunity to reflect on all the things I meant to (but didn’t) do over the weekend, and thus feel terrible about myself.

“But Emily, you started a blog!” Yes. Here’s a list of things that I did NOT do:
1. Throw out that 3-months expired cottage cheese
2. Speak to any humans over the age of 10 days
3. Shower
4. Eat food not from cans/wine bottles
5. Throw out that candy wrapper. No, not the Toostie Roll wrapper, the Hershey’s Nuggets wrapper. Not the one by the couch. The one in my bed. The other one in my bed.