1. Teaching would be so boring if the kids actually did the thing you said to do.

2. Adult acne is normal, and people are sympathetic.

3. Every couple that looks happy is actually secretly plotting each other’s murder, Mr.-and-Mrs.-Smith-style.

4. You don’t drink soda, so it’s fine to put 4 Splendas in your cafe mocha.

5. Every time you embarrass yourself, an angel gets its wings.  So when you die, you’re going to have a fucking mob-scene of angels waiting to thank you.

6. 32-and-single is the new black.

7. These extra 7 pounds you carry in the winter are necessary for warmth. They also make wearing a belt unnecessary, and you hate belts. #winning

8. At least you don’t have kids! (I have to be careful with this one– it only works in situations where I am overwhelmed, panicked, and can barely muster the energy to deal with MYSELF, much less anyone else.  Examples include airport delays, walking through Times Square, attending a 1-year-old’s birthday party at the Gymboree, or hailing a cab in the rain.)

9. Your dinner of brie nachos at 1am last night was an impressively inventive and creative use of scarce resources. It was not at all pathetic.

10. You’re paranoid– old noses can’t grow back. Seriously, walk away from the mirror.

11. “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” promised you that you won’t lose it if you don’t use it, so calm the fuck down.

12. The kids don’t notice that you don’t know what you’re doing. They think your mistakes are on purpose. Ride the wave of ignorance, and never teach older than 4th grade.

13. No one was disgusted/afraid to be around you that time you had bed bugs.

14. Or that time you had head lice.

15. If God wanted you to cook, he wouldn’t have invented Seamless.

16. If God didn’t want you to clean the apartment by shoving everything under the bed, he wouldn’t have invented bed skirts.

17. It’s normal to be afraid to check your mailbox, and to worry “What if it’s the government?!” every time you don’t recognize the number of an incoming call.

18. A healthy mental state is for losers.

19. It’s safe under this blanket.

Whenever I get anxious about the fact that I am single in my 30s, I remind myself of the statistic that proves that marriages starting at a later age are far less likely to end in divorce. I focus on the hypothesized-yet-unfounded explanation for this, which is that when you are older, you are more mature, you’ve had more experiences, and you really know who you are– and all these things make you well-prepared to share your life with someone in a healthy, productive way.

I ignore the logical and more plausible explanation, which is that the older you are when you marry, the closer you are to death.

Can’t get divorced if you’re dead.