When I have a child, I hope he/she inherits my new nose and not my old one.
If I have a son one day, at the bris I am going to serve mini hotdogs with the tips snipped off.
The fact that I’m so excited about this idea is a pretty good indicator that I’m not ready to have kids.
Only play Cards Against Humanity with strangers if you are all the same race and religion.
I am now that person who goes around showing pictures of the baby. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned being single and childless in my 30s, it’s that everyone loves that person.
My anxiety disorder’s favorite day of the year.
Overheard just now on the street:
Guy (to girl he’s walking with): “I hate when people call Thanksgiving ‘Turkey Day.’ It’s so offensive. It defeats the whole purpose of the holiday. You’re supposed to be THANKful. I mean, hello, it’s THANKSgiving!!”
So on this Thanksgiving, I’m thankful I don’t have to spend it with that guy.
“Oh good! THIS weather!” — my jewish hair.
Oh, you left me a voicemail? Did you also message me on my Netscape account?
That amazing moment when, after shopping all day for your friend’s wedding, you finally find THE dress and it fits perfectly.
All I have to do to is lose 5 pounds and 2 ribs by December 6th.
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