I’m sitting at the bar of a restaurant downtown, waiting for my friends to show up. Guy and girl next to me are CLEARLY on a first date (I heard them introduce themselves). The guy makes a big production out of what drink to order, even makes a joke about feeling pressured to get “something manly and impressive.”  Finally the bartender comes over to ask for their order. The guy clears his throat. 

“I’ll have a Grey Goose and vodka.”

Kid: “Do you like tutoring on the weekends?”

Me: “Sure.”

Kid: “I hate doing work on the weekends. I’m surprised you like it.”

Me: “Well, if there’s an opportunity to help a kid learn, I take it!”

Kid: “You’re a nice person.”

Me: ” Aw thanks kid.”

Your mother is paying me double my weekday rate. 

(Continuation of This Guy Who Caught Me and This Guy Who Caught Me Part 2)

This good sport/my new best friend has confirmed that he is This Literal Guy

You know it’s going to be a rough day when you spot a rat or a dead pigeon on the walk to work, but when you spot a rat EATING a dead pigeon, just give up entirely. 

The problem with carrying around a “Cheesy Blasters” prop for your Liz Lemon costume is that you have to be the kind of person who has enough self control not to eat the prop.

I am not that person.

That moment when you worry that your Liz Lemon outfit is a tad inappropriate for Character Day in a 4th grade classroom, but then your 9-year-old student comes in as Eminem. 

They say that’s nearly impossible to do, which is exactly why I bought one. I wanted to be a caretaker with as little responsibility as possible. But lo and behold, I managed to slowly, through forgetfulness and sheer neglect, kill a plant that literally required NOTHING to keep it alive. Which just goes to show. 

I can do ANYTHING, guys! 

That awkward moment when this 4th grade boy’s pajama pants are way too tight. 

People think from reading my stories that my life is a little nutty, but I promise, guys, I’m just like you. Here’s a rundown of my day yesterday:

1) Had breakfast.

2) Went for a run in Central Park.

3) Did some writing.

4) Went on a last minute date (don’t get excited. No.)

5) Locked myself out of my apartment (still locked out).

6) Crashed a Catholic mass.

7) Did NOT blend in.

8) Went to dinner at chic downtown restaurant in church clothes (because, remember? Locked out.)

9) Slept on sister’s couch. With parents and baby.

10) Still locked out.

I’ll admit that things got weirder as the day progressed.

…he is 12 minutes late.

4 more minutes, I’m outta here.