Kid: “Are you still going to come tutor me next Thursday?”
Me: “No, it’s Thanksgiving.”
Kid: “I know. But my mom thought maybe you didn’t have plans, since you don’t have a husband or kids.”
Me: “Well believe it or not, kiddo, you don’t need EITHER of those things to celebrate Thanksgiving! So you can let mom know I have plans with family and friends.”
Kid: “Ok.” (Screaming over shoulder) “Mommmmm!!! BELIEVE IT OR NOT, Emily DOES have plans!!!!!”
All posts by Emily
Pep Talk
Alright, Ability to Care and Positive Outlook. Once again, I’d really like to work together with you this season, so stay with me through this harsh weather shift.
Oh no no no, Sunny Disposition, I wasn’t talking to you. You can still go fuck yourself.
References
If you are going to claim to have a sense of humor in your online dating profile, you need to provide at least two sources who can verify this, neither of whom can be your bubby.
Always a Small
I’m always a size small at the Gap, but these new size small leggings are super tight and uncomfortable, which can only mean one thing.
Gap has changed its sizing chart.
This Jerk
Alright, Universe, I get it– you want me to be a lesbian.
I am an Equal Opportunist
In the sense that I believe the man should always pay whenever given the opportunity.
Innocent Victim
I totally agree with Bill Cosby’s lawyer– “The fact that rape allegations are being repeated does not make them true.” What makes them true is the fact that he raped people.
P.S. Let’s not forget about the other innocent victim in this whole thing– Jello.
#officialdessertofrapists
This is a School
To the parent who asked me about training bras for her daughter, may I remind you that this is a school, not the preteen department of Bloomingdales.
Movember
I think Movember is great and all, but when do women get a month where we get to look like super creepy child molesters and guys are expected to be both encouraging and still attracted to us?
The Statute of Limitations
I once had a boyfriend tell me he was surprised that I wasn’t more insecure about my small breast size. Just now, over 10 years later, it has occurred to me that I could have said the same thing about his penis.
So has the statute of limitations expired, or can I still contact him with this retort?
