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All posts by Emily
Things Kids Wonder
Kid: “Is the reason I’m so good at math because I’m Japanese?”
Me: “What?! No!”
Yes.
Always Text
Oh, you left me a voicemail? Did you also message me on my Netscape account?
Jeremy’s in Town
CVS Cashier: “That’s a lot of toilet paper you’re buying there, ma’am!”
Me: “My brother is coming to visit.”
CVS Cashier: “Say no more.”
Goal-setting
That amazing moment when, after shopping all day for your friend’s wedding, you finally find THE dress and it fits perfectly.
All I have to do to is lose 5 pounds and 2 ribs by December 6th.
Sassy Pedicurist: This is Husband
Sassy Pedicurist sees me repeatedly checking my phone and laughing:
Sassy: “This person texting you, very funny yes?”
Me: “Ha yeah he’s a funny guy.”
Sassy: “Oh– a man? You go on date with this man?”
Me: “No no. A friend.”
Sassy: “He have wife? Girlfriend?”
Me: “No…”
Sassy: “This man, he look nice? You think he look nice? ”
Me: “Well, yeah, he’s a good looking guy.”
Sassy: “He think YOU look nice?”
Me: “I mean…I think so?”
Sassy: “He gay? He like the men?”
Me: “No.”
Sassy: “I see no problem here. This is husband.”
Me: “It’s not really that simple.”
Sassy: “I hear lots of excuse from you. You know who make lots of excuse?”
Me: “Please don’t say your cousin who died alone.”
Sassy: “ALL ALONE.”
Honesty
They DO say honesty forms the foundation of a lasting relationship. So…<3???
Kid-shamed
Kid: “You still have an iPhone 4?”
Me: “Yes.”
Kid: “Why don’t you get the 6?”
Me: “Well, kiddo, I don’t have enough money saved to get the 6 right now.”
Kid: “You should get a piggy bank.”
Me: “That’s a smart idea. I have a different kind of bank, they hold my money FOR me.”
Kid: “You let someone ELSE hold your money?”
Me: “Well, yes…”
Kid “Do you KNOW them?”
Me: “No, but…”
Kid: “That does NOT sound responsible. This is probably why you still have a 4.”
Me: “Ok well I’m not going to get into the details of banking, but just trust me that when you’re an adult, having a piggy bank is no longer a responsible way to save your money.”
Kid: “Ok, well. My [11-year-old] sister has a piggy bank and SHE has an iPhone6.”
Relief
That relief-filled moment when you realize it’s not your mental health disorder that’s making you depressed right now, it’s that this person you’re on a date with is fucking terrible.
*typed from the bathroom of this fucking terrible date
#prettysurehesoncoke
Actual reasons my single friends and I just gave for writing certain guys off…
“His hands were a little bit dainty.”
“He has weak texting game.”
“He lives too far from the 6 train.”
“He owns a gelato shop.”
“His name is Matt.”
Perhaps we are contributing to our fates.
