It only got worse.
All posts by Emily
This Religious Guy, Part 1
Conservative Jew Adam doesn’t approve of my reform jew lifestyle.
Slim Pickings
If online dating is a giant game of Guess Who, then Jdate is the equivalent of being down to only these three.
A Letter to My Future Nephew
Dear Future Nephew,
Look, I get it– it’s cozy in there. It’s warm, snug, and you don’t have to do a damn thing. I wish I was in there, too. But seriously, today would be a good day for you to debut. You were due yesterday, so the whole family’s here in NYC, ready, waiting, and, to be quite honest, bored. Your mom’s demeanor has gone from her status-quo unamused to fucking miserable, which was entertaining for a while, but now, sitting across from her sober, longing face every night at dinner is just making me sad and killing everyone’s buzz.
So come on, man– take it from your exasperated Auntie Em, no one likes a man who shows up late. Be a gentleman! The world needs more of them.
(On that note– never, EVER take advice from your Uncle Jeremy. I cannot stress this enough).
xoxo,
Auntie Em
Following Up
Having my parents in town is fun because it gives them the opportunity to ask follow-up questions about everything I post.
“So which ex-boyfriend had the small penis?”
This Idiot
Black Friday
My anxiety disorder’s favorite day of the year.
Giving Thanks
Overheard just now on the street:
Guy (to girl he’s walking with): “I hate when people call Thanksgiving ‘Turkey Day.’ It’s so offensive. It defeats the whole purpose of the holiday. You’re supposed to be THANKful. I mean, hello, it’s THANKSgiving!!”
So on this Thanksgiving, I’m thankful I don’t have to spend it with that guy.
A Kid Defines Divorce
Reading a story about a kid whose parents are divorced….
Me: “Do you understand what that means? That they’re divorced?”
Kid: “Yeah. Divorce is what happens when a man gets in a bath tub with a woman who isn’t his wife, and then the wife finds out.”
Me: “Wow. That was specific.”
Kid: “You know my Uncle Dave?”
Me: “The one you and your mom want me to date? Yes.”
Kid: “That’s why HE’S divorced.”
Great. Can’t wait to meet him.
Fog-Rain
“Oh good! THIS weather!” — my jewish hair.
