October 28, 2014
Well this is just perfect.
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All posts by Emily
What DID We Do?
Doctor confirms I have strep throat and prescribes amoxicillin. I ask if that will interact with my current medications.
Doctor: “Hmm…I don’t think so. Let me check.” (whips out her phone) “What did we DO before iPhones?!”
I don’t know…know things?
Turns Out I’m Difficult
Me (to a kid who is repeatedly stepping on my heels as we walk up the stairs): “Ok, so I love you dearly, but what is my BIGGEST pet peeve?”
Kid: “When we make you feel old.”
Me: “Not that one.”
Kid: “When we lie to you.”
Me: “No, the other one.”
Kid: “When we all ask you questions at once?”
Me: “Well…yeah. But no.”
Kid: “When we don’t do our homework?”
Me: “No. I do hate that, though.”
Kid: “When we talk while you’re talking?”
Me: “Ok, again, yes. But no.”
Kid: “When we come back from P.E. and (using air-quotes) ‘do NOT smell like a bed of roses?'”
Me: “Unpleasant, but not a peeve per se.”
Kid: “Oh! I know! When we step on your heels!”
Me: “Yes. THAT one.”
Kid: “Sorry. You have a LOT of biggest pet peeves.”
Ebola Mom, Part 2
October 26, 2014
Oh, ok. Ebola-fearing mom and I are not quite there yet…
I Sure as Shit Wore Those Gloves
Many of you have asked me if I ACTUALLY wore the gloves while tutoring, as a matter of self-respect. I assure you– I have little of that. For $120 an hour, I wore those gloves, and I wore them well. And now I am taking that cash and putting it in my savings for winter break in Mexico– where, ironically, I am much more likely to contract Ebola. (Maybe I’ll bring the gloves…)
Ebola Mom, Part 1
October 24, 2014
In today’s edition of “Are People Fucking Serious?” THIS mother.
I Don’t Wear Makeup to Work
Tutoring…
Kid: “My uncle likes to meet girls on a website called Hinge, and he saw you on it.”
Me: “Well that’s just perfect.”
Kid: “He showed me your picture.”
Me: “That’s inappropriate, but ok.”
Kid: “Yeah, well. I told him that is NOT what you look like when you come to tutor me.”
Mantras
The months between August and June are always the hardest.
Lies
Lies I told my students today:
“Cool clarinet reeds!”
“Alternating lime green/purple rubber bands in your braces? Fantastic choice!”
“Don’t worry about acne, no one notices it but you.”
“A witch for Halloween? How creative!”
“A United Airlines pilot for Halloween? Not weird at all!”
“I have NOT seen Ender’s Game but your lengthy description makes it sound super interesting.”
“Well don’t YOU look dapper in those suspenders!”
I’m fucking exhausted
Thank You, Hinge
Well the folks at Hinge must have heard I’m having a rough day, because in today’s batch of male suitors, they sent me 2 ex boyfriends, 1 friend’s ex boyfriend, and 1 guy I know through a friend, and that friend has assured me that this guy is gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that. Except in this context. In this context there is a fundamentally huge thing wrong with that).
