Sorry, pregnant/breast-feeding friends, but I can no longer “drink one for you.” There are too many of you now, and if I continue to fulfill these requests, I will become an alcoholic. We’ll have to find another way for me to be useful.
To be clear, that was not an offer to babysit.
This week I began meditating for the first time in my life, and although I’ve resisted meditation for so long, I have to say it really is amazing how much one can learn through this practice.
For example, yesterday I learned that you’re not supposed to eat a burrito while you do it.
When dating gets frustrating, listening to my mom tell the tale of how she met my dad is like snuggling up with the world’s most comforting bedtime story…
“Mommy, tell me the part again about how Daddy told you you were completely full of shit, and you cried and stormed out of the restaurant, but then you gave him a second chance and let him grow on you, even though you were pretty underwhelmed. That’s my favorite part.”
I show Sassy Pedicurist the disasterous text message exchange with Jeff.
Sassy: “This is why internet is no good for finding husband.”
Me: “You have a better suggestion?”
Sassy: “Yes. I know good man for you. He run in marathon, like you.”
Me: “Oooh, ok. That’s a good start.”
Sassy: “Mmm hmm. Very nice man. You want children?”
Me: “Yes, I do.”
Sassy: “Good. He have five.”
Me: “Oh…um…I meant, like, I want kids someday. I’m not sure I want to date someone who has five kids.”
Sassy (exasperated): “Now you being very picky.”
No, Jeff. No I do not.
I give up.
“I win.”– Seasonal Affective Disorder, while pointing to my wet Uggs
October 31, 2014
A kid just came by to trick-or-treat, so I gave him a handful of chocolate truffles, hershey kisses, peppermint patties, and reeses cups.
Dad of kid: “Thank god! You’re the first person in this building who actually bought halloween candy for trick-or-treaters!”
I bought nothing for halloween. This is just stuff I eat.
Me (to kid of Ebola-fearing mom): “So I heard you had strep last weekend. I got it on Tuesday.”
Kid: “Yeah, my mom told me. She said you must have touched your eye or nose with the gloves on.”
Me: “No, honey. I assure you I did not touch anything while wearing those super nifty gloves. Please remind Mom that strep is airborne. If we are breathing in the same space, we can infect one another.”
Kid: “Oh. No wonder my dad called her an idiot.”
While tutoring…
Kid: “Are you dressing up for Halloween?”
Me: “No.”
Kid: “Well, my Uncle Dave is going to be a ball. You should be his chain.” (Bursts out laughing)
Me: “Did he tell you to say that to me?”
Kid: “Yes.”
Me: “Do you even know what that means?”
Kid: “No.”
