All posts by Emily
A Letter to the Male CVS Cashier
Dear Male CVS Cashier,
When I am purchasing feminine products, you are not allowed to be a human. You are a robot. You ring up my purchase, you avoid eye contact, and you display zero emotion.
You do NOT scan my tampons, scan my party-size bag of M&Ms, and then wink at me.
Now everyone feels weird.
Emily
Expectations
The key to a successful first date is to keep your expectations so far below sea level, not even Jacques Cousteau could find them.
Sassy Pedicurist: I Want Husband. I Want Children.
Dating advice from Sassy Pedicurist…
Me: “I have a first date tonight– any tips?”
Sassy: “You say to him what you want. You say, ‘I want husband. I want children.'”
Me: “I think that’s the opposite of what to do on a first date.”
Sassy: “You never do this?”
Me: “No.”
Sassy: “You have husband?”
Me: “No…”
Sassy: “Then you listen to me. And you wear red.”
Me: “I’m wearing black.”
Sassy (disapproving): “You girls in New York, always in black.”
Me: “Black is flattering!”
Sassy: “Black is for funeral. You want love, you wear red.”
Me: “I literally don’t own a red shirt.
Sassy (rolling eyes): “This is no surprise.”
This Amusing-Turned-Unstable Guy, Part 3
Really? I hadn’t noticed.
This Easily Amused Guy
Oh my god. I hate you.
Sweet Nothings
I woke up to someone telling me I’m beautiful and special– what an incredible way to start the day!
Thanks, pre-recorded Oprah meditation tape.
The Secret
Me: “You look a little off today– everything ok?”
Kid: “It’s a secret.”
Me: “Ok. Well, if you feel like sharing, please do.”
3 minutes later, she throws up everywhere.
Me: “Was that the secret?”
Kid: “Yeah.”
I regret asking you to share.
#wishihadthosegloves
Genuine Concern
Kid: “Oh my god, Ms. Emily! Did someone punch you in the face?!”
Last time I get an eyebrow wax during lunch.
Next Best Thing
I arrive to tutor, and the kid’s mom greets me at the door…
Mom: “I heard you got engaged!”
Me: “Um…no, not that I’m aware of!”
Mom: “Oh. Really? That’s weird. [My daughter] has a friend in your class, and she said her teacher is engaged. She must be confused.”
Me: “Oh, well my co-teacher is engaged, so that’s probably what she meant!”
Mom: “Oh. Ok. Whoops.” (awkward pause). “Well I LOVE your shirt.”
