Testing a child’s reading comprehension…
Me: “How do you think the character feels about lying to his mom?”
Kid: “Terrible.”
Me: “Why?”
Kid: “Because lying is a sin.”
Me: “Ok, but explain using details from the text.”
Kid: “Well it’s not really a question you can explain with the text. It’s more like a life thing. Everyone knows that when you lie, you betray god. And if you betray god, you go to hell.”
Me: “Oh my…”
Kid (reassuringly): “Well not YOU. Christians.”
All posts by Emily
Birth Announcement
September 13, 2014
Please welcome my new baby, MacBook Air, to the world! 2.96 lbs, 12.8 inches.
Mom and Mac are doing great– already inseparable and in love!
We are registered at amazon.com if you’d like to purchase accessories
Reassurance
September 11, 2014
I arrive to tutor a kid I haven’t seen since May. She opens the door excitedly…
Kid: “Emily!!”
Me: “Hi kiddo!”
Kid: “Come here. Let me see this” (grabs my hand, inspects it, then screams over her shoulder) “MOMMMMM! STILL NO RING! CALL UNCLE DAVE!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Kid (patting my hand): “Don’t worry. We have a plan.”
Brace-face
Kid: “Did YOU have braces in elementary school?”
Me: “Actually, I had them in HIGH school.”
Kid: “What?!” (head in hands) “That must have been a DISASTER.”
It was.
Sometimes I Take a Moment to be Serious, Part 3
September 10, 2014
If you broke your leg, you would seek immediate medical attention and support. Mental illness should be treated the same way– if you are struggling, please seek help. Don’t wait. Tell a friend, turn to family, get medical treatment, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You are sick and you WILL get better. Trust me on this one– I know firsthand.
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Take a moment to turn to someone you care about and ask them how they’re doing. It means more than you know.
Less Than Ideal
Helping a student generate story ideas about her school experience…
Me: “What do you like to do at school?”
Kid: “Well the stuff I like to do you wouldn’t know about.”
Me: “Explain.”
Kid: “Like…I do mostly private thinking. I do a LOT of thinking about my life, and my own ideas.”
Me: “Well that’s ok– in fact, that’s great!”
Kid: “Well it mostly happens while you’re talking.”
Oh.
Do Your Research
Cool “Free Palestine” pin, girl on the subway. It goes well with your Marc Jacobs bag and Polo dress– both designed by Jews.
Trailblazer
September 4, 2014
Thank you, Joan Rivers, for making it ok for us girls to be funny too. You will be missed.
I Was Just Trying To Relate
Kid: “I know I’m getting older but I don’t FEEL like I am. Like I keep telling people I’m 8 even though I’m 9.”
Me: “Yeah, I know what you mean. I also keep telling people I’m 8.”
Kid (looking me up and down): “Well THAT’S just ridiculous.”
How to Make NYC Summer Soup
1. Start with an NYC-stock broth (dingy colored, smells like garbage).
2. Heat to 97 degrees Fahrenheit, 100% humidity. You’ll know it’s hot enough when your thighs stick together.
3. Add a few thousand exhausted, bead-sweaty people who look generally dead behind the eyes
4. Stir in some weirdos, maybe a lady who spits.
5. Add a dash of pit-stained, foul-mouthed construction workers.
6. When patience is about to run out, throw in a screaming baby.
7. Flavor with a very opinionated religious guy.
8. Strain out deodorant (strain out all pleasant smells, in fact. Replace with more garbage.)
9. Sprinkle with misery and impatience.
Shove all ingredients together on a subway platform during rush hour. Serve steaming hot with a side of Xanax.
