September 1, 2014
Sassy Pedicurist says what you’ve all been thinking.
Sassy: “Why you look tired today?”
Me: “I’m just in a bad mood. I go back to work tomorrow.”
Sassy: “But you have no work in summer?”
Me: “Well, yeah, but–”
Sassy: “You travel and lay in sun? You get nice tan?”
Me: “Yeah…”
Sassy (giant eye-roll): “Oh boo HOO. I SOOOO sad for you.”
The whole family is out on the deck having an intense discussion about the existence of god, the idea of fate, and the role of the universe…
Zack: (finishing up a 10 minute speech about his spiritual beliefs): “….and that’s why every single decision you make is just leading you on your pre-ordained path.”
(Silence)
Dad: “I’m going to go put on some pants.”
Listening to my dad explain golf is like watching a ground-breaking TED Talk, minus the part where it’s interesting and I care.
“Motownphilly” blasts from the speakers and everyone gets excited…
Mom: “Who is this?”
Me: “Boyz to Men!!!”
Mom: “Is that the group with Nick Lachey?”
——-
Miley Cyrus’s “We Can’t Stop” blasts from the speakers and everyone gets excited…
Mom: “Is this Rihanna?”
———-
K-Ci and Jojo’s “All My Life” blasts from the speakers and everyone gets excited…
Zack: “I touched my first boob to this.”
Mom: (head in hands)
Dad: (high five)
August 25, 2014
Bought an adorable first-day-of-school dress to get myself psyched for next week!!!!!!
It didn’t work. I hate everything.
Jeremy: “I wish my neck turned all the way around. Like an owl.”
That moment when you realize your food baby is bigger than your sister’s actual baby.
The chips you eat while preparing the sandwich don’t count. Much like food consumed in airports.
That moment when your humor just doesn’t translate.
Me (to the male, Indian orthopedic massage therapist): “So is it a strained glute?”
Therapist: “This is more a problem with the IT band, mostly in the hip. There is some tension in the glute, though, yes.”
Me: “So basically, I can just tell people I have a tight ass?”
Therapist: “No ma’am. As I said, it is the IT band. The iliotibial band.”
Me: “Right but I prefer to say I have a tight ass.”
Therapist: “Ok ma’am. You can say what you like. But it will not be true.”
August 15, 2014
Walked into Yurman store wearing my running gear and got glared at by the sales woman. Little does she know I have a slightly damp wad of tutoring cash in my zip butt pocket.
“You work on commission, right? BIG mistake. Big. HUGE. I have to go shopping now!”
