A new student blatantly lies to me and my co-teacher about her homework, so we call over another student (who was in our class last year) to explain why lying to us is a bad idea.
Kid (wide-eyed): “Ooooh, you should NOT lie to them because they ALWAYS find out about it. And they are a LOT smarter than they look.”
YOU may have gone to temple today, but I made $400 in cash, stored it, then headed to my sister’s for a free meal.
Now THAT’S being a Jew.
Using timelines to add and subtract…
Me: “So let’s figure out what year your family members were born. How old is Mom?”
Kid: “30.”
Me (surprised): “Oh, ok. So let’s use the timeline to jump back by 10s and figure out the year she was born.”
Kid: “1984.”
Me: “Yes! So how old was mom in, say, 2010?”
Kid: “30.”
Me: “Hmmm. Are you sure?”
Kid: “Yes. She’s always 30.”
After a very lengthy, thorough breast exam…
What the doctor ACTUALLY said: “Everything looks fine. Your co-pay is $15.”
What I feel he SHOULD have said: “Everything looks spectacular. Seriously, wow. This one’s on me.”
X-ray Technician: “Are you pregnant?”
Me: “Oh, NO. No no no.”
Technician: “Ok calm down Ma’am. It’s just a routine question. I’m not your mother.”
As a childless 30-something heading out of Manhattan for a friend’s baby shower, I’m feeling VERY Carrie Bradshaw in the “Lost Shoes” episode. Minus the killer Manolos. And trendy outfit. And legit writing career. And awesome gay best friend.
Basically we’re both carrying a present for someone else’s kid.
And THAT, if nothing else, is why we should be allowed to exist.
That moment when you see Michael B. Jordan (who you LOVED in Friday Night Lights) on the subway and are SUPER excited and impressed with yourself for spotting this lesser-known celebrity.
That subsequent moment when you get a closer look and realize it’s not him.
So basically you’re just a racist.
Me: “In the story, the boy lives in an apartment, but soon he will move somewhere where there are dirt roads and houses. So what inference can we make?”
Kid: “That he lives in the city.”
Me: “Right. And where is he moving?”
Kid: (Blank stare)
Me: “Well, what’s the opposite of the city?”
Kid: “The Hamptons.”
#uppereastside
Kid (male, age 9): “Ms. Emily, just so you know, there’s a girl twerking in the stairwell.”
