My tutoring kid greets me at the door, phone to her ear…
Kid (talking into phone): “Oh guess what, Uncle Dave!? EMILY is here!”
(Pauses to listen)
Kid (into phone): “You know– my tutor who I told you about? Remember? She has yellow hair, she’s 32, and she does NOT have a husband.”
(Pauses to listen)
Kid (into phone): “Ok one sec.” (Hands phone to me) “Here. He wants to talk to you.”
Kid: “Ms. Emily, if I got in a time machine and went back 40 years to when you were my age, would you have liked me?”
Me: “Ok, well, first of all, I wasn’t alive 40 years ago, but thanks for that.”
Kid: “Oh. Oops.”
Me: “But yes, I would have liked you a lot. You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age.”
Kid: “Yeah, you always say that. Especially when I do something strange.”
Right. Well. I was a weirdo
Wait– you DO?! Well this changes everything.
Kid: “My band teacher says that boys are better at the trumpet but I think girls can do anything boys can do.”
Me: ” I totally agree. I think she just meant that it’s EASIER for boys, because their bodies are built differently.”
Kid (dramatic head-in-hands): “Oh brother.”
Me: “Oh, sorry. Was it something I said?”
Kid: “I KNOW how boys and girls are different, Ms. Emily. But you play the trumpet with your MOUTH.”
Salesman (at home goods store): “Can I help you, ma’am?”
Me: “Yes, I’m looking for curtains.”
Salesman: “Right this way. Any particular kind?”
Me: “Honestly, anything that will match my rug.”
And then I heard it.
Tuesday seems like a pretty crappy reward for making it through Monday.
Like being back in the SDT sorority house.
#hungryjewseverywhere
What God REALLY said is that on Yom Kippur we should “EAT fast.” Then Abraham whispered it to Sarah, Sarah to Isaac, Isaac to Rebekah and, well, somewhere along the way, the “eat” part got lost. So really this whole “fast” thing was just a misunderstanding created by a biblical game of telephone.
Kid: “Do your boobs ever leak?”
Me: “EXCUSE me?!”
Kid: “Right before you got here, my aunt’s leaked and her shirt got wet.”
Me: “Did she just have a baby?”
Kid: “Yes.”
Me: “Alright, then that makes sense. Let’s get back to math.”
Kid: “So yours don’t leak?”
Me: “No. They don’t. Math.”
(She shrugs and starts drawing a number line. Relief washes over me.)
Kid (moments later): “Maybe yours aren’t big enough to leak.”
Me: “That’s not really how it works.”
Kid: “I’m just saying…hers are a LOT bigger than yours.”
Me: “Yeah. I got that.”
Kid: “So are my mom’s.”
Me: “Great.”
Kid: “And my grandma’s.”
Me: “Fantastic.”
Kid: “Yours are like the same as my dad’s.”
“I like your shoes!”- 1st grader in the adjacent stall.
Because when you have a master’s degree, you get to pee next to 7 year olds at work.
