That moment when the patient before you steps out of your therapist’s office, and you know him. From J-date.
Category Archives: Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do
Good Samaritan of the Day– This Lady:
Lady (to me, on the subway platform): “Miss, just so you know, that guy over there is taking pictures of your ass with his iPhone.”
Me: (rolling my eyes) “Oy, thanks for letting me know. God, so many perverts in this city! But what can ya do?”
Lady: “Maybe start by fixing your skirt. It’s tucked into your underwear.”
Harmony
“You’re everything, everything, I wish I could be” — man in the apartment above my bathroom, right after I sang, “Did I ever tell you you’re my hero?”
Because apparently, he can hear me.
I should stop assuming that everything, at all times, is about me…
Every person I’ve spoken to this week: “I hear some congratulations are in order!”
Me: “Aw thanks, yeah the race went really well!”
Every person: “I meant because your sister’s pregnant.”
Me: “Oh. Yes. That.”
Thanks
“Your attempt to flirt your way out of this is so painful, I’m just going to let you go.”– Cop who just pulled me over for speeding
Misunderstandings
May 15, 2014
A girl my age walks into the bagel store this morning wearing full blown pajamas, Hunter boots, and carrying a huge Lululemon bag. We lock eyes and I laugh.
Me: “Pajama Day at school?”
Her: “Huh?”
Me: “Are you a teacher?”
Her: “No….”
Me: “Oh.”
My Bad
May 3, 2013
Dear Neighbor,
I really thought that I could toss that bag into the hallway trash chute outside my door so quickly that no one would see me, and therefore putting on pants first would be unnecessary.
Clearly, I was wrong.
Sorry for the weird start to your morning,
Emily
Goddamn Elevator
That moment when you get in the elevator and hit the button for the floor you’re ON, rather than the floor you’re going TO– not once, not twice, but 3 times– and start cursing the idle elevator for being so stupid.
That subsequent moment when your super, who is standing in the lobby watching this scene unfold, silently puts his hand in the elevator and hits “6” for you, because he can see that you are not going to crack this code on your own.
Friendliness Never Backfires
Was feeling friendly just now, so I greeted my neighbor in the elevator with a hearty “Good morning, Eric!” He smiled politely and we rode in silence. Eric was then greeted by my super in the lobby with a hearty “Good morning, Jacob!” Because, as it turns out, Eric’s name is Jacob.
Mr.Rogers Would Have Been Thrilled
Was it THAT weird that I just knocked on my neighbor’s door and asked him to zip the hard-to-reach zipper on the back of my dress? Because he sure acted like it was.
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