February 12, 2014
Dear Afternoon Self,
I’m pretty sure I just screwed you with that “Why CAN’T I eat a box of chocolates for breakfast?” experiment. The likely answer is that I am not pregnant, Peggy Bundy, or a cartoon character.
Sorry you feel like death,
Morning Self
January 29th, 2014– the day I took a cab 4 blocks to work. (“What you ask is ridiculous ma’am, no?” — surprisingly judgmental yet rational cabbie.).
Dear Society,
I’m sorry. Today’s look– from hair to makeup to outfit– was the best I could muster this morning. I will try again tomorrow.
I understand I am running out of chances,
Emily
Wine store cashier: “Oh, hi Emily! Only ONE bottle today?”
January 15, 2014
Ten seconds after giving him a detailed, no-holds-barred account of my physical and mental health history and habits, I found out that my new doctor has a child at my school.
90% chance I lose my job tomorrow.
I’m sorry to the parent of that toddler who learned a new word today while witnessing me slip on black ice. I recognize (both in hindsight and from the look on your face) that yelling “I mean– fudge, fudge, fudge!” afterwards did not fix the problem. Good luck with that.
December 27, 2013
As I’m leaving for my morning run, the (new) neighbor’s dog races over and jumps on me…
Neighbor: “I’m so sorry! He does this to your husband every morning!”
Me: “Oh my god. No. No. That’s my dad. Not my husband. Oh god. NO.”
Neighbor: “Oh. Oh god. Sorry. It’s always from a distance…”
Me: (horrified stare)
Neighbor: “He seems like a very nice man.”
Me: “Please stop saying things.”
November 29, 2013
Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m sorry that, within one minute of driving it, I managed to damage your car. I’m also sorry that you’re finding out about it on Facebook.
Emily
Brain fried from report card writing. Just placed a call for sushi delivery and when the lady told me to have a nice night, I inexplicably replied, “Thanks, love you too.” After an awkward pause came the “Ok. Thank you, ma’am.” And we all know there’s nothing worse than getting a “thank you” in response to a declaration of love.
October 5, 2013
Dear Online Dating,
Thank you for this new, unexpected social challenge: I am now unable to tell if this guy I’m being introduced to/walking next to on the street/exchanging glances with in a bar looks familiar because I’ve met him before, or because I’ve seen him online. Saying “you look familiar” is no longer a conversation starter, it’s a dangerous trap that 80% of the time results in me being busted for profile stalking.
As if I needed more opportunities to be awkward,
Emily
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