Category Archives: Random Thoughts/Happenings
Desperate Times
“Look, I don’t mean to be a dick about this, but you really need to find a boyfriend, even if you don’t like him that much. I’m growing sparse and outdated. It’s embarrassing.”
–my jewelry collection, to me
Dangerous Mistakes
Dear Dove Chocolate,
You accidentally sold this to me, a Jew. Surely that was not your intention.
Be more careful next time. Someone could get hurt.
Emily
Thanks Friends!
To all my amazing friends (and there are so many of you!) who told me, “I can’t wait to follow your blog and I’ll definitely share it on my Facebook page,” you are seriously the BEST and I am so so sooooooo thankful!!!!!!
Now can you actually do it?
You’ve Ruined Everything, Bill
Dear Men,
It used to be endearing to see you all in your Bill Cosby-esque sweaters during holiday season.
Now, make no mistake, you look like rapists.
Emily
#uglysweaters
#officialuniformofrapists
Statistics
I’m so excited about the number of views my blog has gotten, I don’t even care that 90% of them are most definitely my stalker ex-boyfriend, refreshing his browser every 5 seconds while adding me to his “People to Kill” list, Billy Madison style.
The other 10% are my mom, repeatedly typing the full URL (http://www. included) and yelling, “Steve– am I doing this right?”
In more certain statistics, I am 100% sure my sister has neither looked at my blog nor knows what a blog is.
Relax, I am Only a Danger to Myself
Dear New Moms,
Yes, I washed my hands before touching your baby.
I’m childless, not a degenerate.
Emily
Worrisome Things I Do
Sometimes I text myself a reminder about something, and then 2 seconds later get genuinely excited when I receive a text, because I forgot that I just texted myself.
#dontsmokepotincollege #smokelesspotincollege
Wise Move, Mama Gump
There’s a reason Forrest’s mama decided to die on a Tuesday.
#tuesday
#weirdlyworsethanmonday
Monday Mornings
Monday mornings are always the perfect opportunity to reflect on all the things I meant to (but didn’t) do over the weekend, and thus feel terrible about myself.
“But Emily, you started a blog!” Yes. Here’s a list of things that I did NOT do:
1. Throw out that 3-months expired cottage cheese
2. Speak to any humans over the age of 10 days
3. Shower
4. Eat food not from cans/wine bottles
5. Throw out that candy wrapper. No, not the Toostie Roll wrapper, the Hershey’s Nuggets wrapper. Not the one by the couch. The one in my bed. The other one in my bed.
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