How is it that we have Internet on airplanes, but the best solution we have for rain is this shitty umbrella, which essentially turns the NYC streets into a massive, modern day sword fight? Is somebody working on this???

That panic-filled moment in an argument when it dawns on you that you are wrong, followed immediately by that relief-filled moment when you decide to never, ever admit it.

When my future children ask, “Mom, what’s the best thing that ever happened to you?” I will say this:

Googled “stomach pains.” Got “you’re a Jew.”

And there it is– my fantasy realized.

If the quality of one’s week is measured in number of times chipotle was consumed, this was the best week of my life.

Or, arguably, the worst