All posts by Emily

A Desperate Holiday Plea to Students (From All Teachers Everywhere)

Kids/Teaching

Dear Students,

Look, we know you’re trying. And yes, there is something to be said for the expression “It’s the thought that counts!” But here’s a secret– sometimes, the thought counts for absolutely nothing. Holiday gift-giving is one of those times. You don’t HAVE to get your teacher a gift, but if you do (and we’ll like you more if you do), there are some rules. You kids seem to do well with lists, so here, let’s clarify, so that there is no confusion in the future…

Gifts teachers do NOT want:

  • Any bath product
  • A hug
  • Deli flowers
  • A drawing of your cat
  • A stuffed animal cat
  • Anything cat related
  • A Barnes and Noble gift card (this one, weirdly, is actually the most offensive)
  • Your appreciation
  • A story you wrote about what your family does for the holidays
  • A Jesus ornament (particularly if your teacher is Jewish, but I have a feeling Christians don’t want that shit either)
  • Things from the dollar store. All things.
  • Jewelry you made
  • You know what? Add jewelry you bought. You’re very bad, in general, at knowing how to give jewelry.
  • A picture of your family in Christmas sweaters
  • A poem
  • 4 pieces of gelt (only 4, because you want the rest yourself. Yes, one of you actually did this. See picture.)
  • Something you blatantly stole
  • Something you’ve blatantly used
  • Something you’ve blatantly taken a bite out of
  • Jam

Gifts teachers DO want:

  • Cash

There are no exceptions to the second list. None. The first list will be constantly updated with every asinine gift we continue to receive.

Also, please pass this on to your parents.  We recognize this is more their fault than it is yours.
Happy holidays,
All Teachers Everywhere
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(Actual 4 pieces of gelt I received today)

Daily Teacher Mantras

Kids/Teaching

“Please, for the love of god, just this ONE time, actually know the answer. Or at least master that face, the one that makes it LOOK like you know the answer and just don’t feel that this is the appropriate time to share it.”

— me, to myself, any time a kid says, “Miss Emily, I have a question.”

#knowingthings
#surprisinglyhelpfulwhenyoureateacher

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Things Single People Tell Themselves

Dating/Single Life, Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happenings

Whenever I get anxious about the fact that I am single in my 30s, I remind myself of the statistic that proves that marriages starting at a later age are far less likely to end in divorce. I focus on the hypothesized-yet-unfounded explanation for this, which is that when you are older, you are more mature, you’ve had more experiences, and you really know who you are– and all these things make you well-prepared to share your life with someone in a healthy, productive way.

I ignore the logical and more plausible explanation, which is that the older you are when you marry, the closer you are to death.

Can’t get divorced if you’re dead.

My Instincts Never Fail Me

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Dating/Single Life

I just spent my entire treadmill run eye-flirting with the guy running on the treadmill across from mine, who was clearly checking me out. Trust me, the glances and half-smiles were unmistakable. After 30 minutes of this, he finished his run, hopped off his treadmill, and came right over to mine.

So that he could kiss his significant other, who was working out next to me.

And who was a man.

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Therapy

Mental Health, Random Thoughts/Happenings

This week I had an epiphany about the root of my anxiety disorder and I couldn’t WAIT to tell my therapist about it. So at our most recent session, I did:

Me: “So, this one time when I was in 6th grade, I got off at my bus stop, and once the bus drove away, this girl hopped out of a parked car and came running towards me. And for absolutely no reason at all, she began screaming at me ‘what are you looking at, bitch?!’ And of course, what I was looking at was her, because she was running towards me like a lunatic. I was terrified. And confused. So I just kind of stuttered ‘um, nothing…’ and then bam! She punched me in the face. Then she kicked me a few times. And then she just ran away. It was one of the most bizarre moments of my life, and for a while I was scared to get off at the bus stop by myself, so my friend Michelle came home with me every day for weeks. Then, I don’t know, eventually I just kind of forgot about it and never really actively thought about it again. Until recently, when someone jokingly startled me, and the memory suddenly came back. And that’s when it clicked! What if all my adult anxiety can be traced back to this one crazy moment in my childhood, when my innocent little dorky jewish girl bubble of a life was shattered by this freakish event, and so internally there was this shift, this realization that nothing can be trusted, that life can just knock you down out of nowhere and for no reason, and so I’ve generalized that feeling I had in that one moment and I’ve let it color every aspect of my adult life, in a post-traumatic-stress type way?  Don’t you think that makes so much sense? That it totally explains this formerly inexplicable fear I constantly carry around with me?”

Therapist: “No. Absolutely not.”

Oh. Ok.