This guy asked me out to dinner for our first date, which I thought was bold in this day and age, but also quite generous and flattering.
Then he kept talking.
All posts by Emily
Things I Notice While Online Dating
Every single guy out there, without fail, loves a girl with a sense of humor.
Until he meets one and realizes she’s funnier than he is.
Then he hates her.
One Day, Mom. One Day.
One day– I’m not sure when and I’m not sure how– but ONE day, I will tell my mother I am going on vacation and she will not immediately, as if it is the world’s most novel and sage advice, remind me to pack a sweater because “it might get chilly at night.” One day she is just going to trust that after 32 years of being her daughter, and 32 years existing as a human on this planet, and 32 years of experiencing all the things that even the most basic-functioning of humans experience (like weather) I will be able to determine, on my own, that no matter where in the world I might go, there will always exist the danger of that nighttime chill.
Me (after said sweater reminder): “Yup. Got it.”
Mom (sensing exasperation): “You’re not going to post about this are you?”
Me: “I most definitely am.”
Mom: “Aw, shit.”
Awkward Things I Do
Every. Single. Time.
Me Time
This was sent to me by a friend last night (she is the blue text bubble; random dating app guy is the white).
If this is what “me time” really means, I have to re-think every conversation I’ve ever had. In fact, I definitely listed “me time” as a favorite hobby of mine on my dating profile.
(Side note: I am going to curb my commentary on the amount of LOLing happening in this conversation, as I love this friend dearly. But seriously, I hope you were drunk.)
Wait– Who Are You?
Work holiday parties are the perfect opportunity to discover that you don’t actually know anyone you work with.
Sassy Pedicurist: What is this, ‘a blog?’
Sassy Pedicurist on blogging…
Me: “I started a blog.”
Sassy: “What is this, ‘a blog?'”
Me: “It’s like…a website. On the internet. Where I write stuff for people to read.”
Sassy: “What is this stuff?”
Me: “I don’t know, just stuff that happens in my life…observations…stories. Actually, sometimes I write about you.”
Sassy: “This sound like wasting time. You meet husband on this blog?”
Me: “It’s not a waste of time, because I enjoy doing it. And no, this is not a husband-meeting blog.”
Sassy: “I see no point, but is good if you enjoy it.”
Me: “Right. Well. That IS the point. I DO enjoy it.”
Sassy: “Maybe you make husband-meeting blog also.”
Me: “I’m not sure that’s even a thing.”
Sassy: “You can write blog about lady painting your feet, but no blog for meeting husband?”
Me: “I don’t WANT to write a blog about husband-meeting!”
Sassy: “Always with the excuse.”
Things I Tell Myself So I Don’t Cry
1. Teaching would be so boring if the kids actually did the thing you said to do.
2. Adult acne is normal, and people are sympathetic.
3. Every couple that looks happy is actually secretly plotting each other’s murder, Mr.-and-Mrs.-Smith-style.
4. You don’t drink soda, so it’s fine to put 4 Splendas in your cafe mocha.
5. Every time you embarrass yourself, an angel gets its wings. So when you die, you’re going to have a fucking mob-scene of angels waiting to thank you.
6. 32-and-single is the new black.
7. These extra 7 pounds you carry in the winter are necessary for warmth. They also make wearing a belt unnecessary, and you hate belts. #winning
8. At least you don’t have kids! (I have to be careful with this one– it only works in situations where I am overwhelmed, panicked, and can barely muster the energy to deal with MYSELF, much less anyone else. Examples include airport delays, walking through Times Square, attending a 1-year-old’s birthday party at the Gymboree, or hailing a cab in the rain.)
9. Your dinner of brie nachos at 1am last night was an impressively inventive and creative use of scarce resources. It was not at all pathetic.
10. You’re paranoid– old noses can’t grow back. Seriously, walk away from the mirror.
11. “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” promised you that you won’t lose it if you don’t use it, so calm the fuck down.
12. The kids don’t notice that you don’t know what you’re doing. They think your mistakes are on purpose. Ride the wave of ignorance, and never teach older than 4th grade.
13. No one was disgusted/afraid to be around you that time you had bed bugs.
14. Or that time you had head lice.
15. If God wanted you to cook, he wouldn’t have invented Seamless.
16. If God didn’t want you to clean the apartment by shoving everything under the bed, he wouldn’t have invented bed skirts.
17. It’s normal to be afraid to check your mailbox, and to worry “What if it’s the government?!” every time you don’t recognize the number of an incoming call.
18. A healthy mental state is for losers.
19. It’s safe under this blanket.
Women have been pulling this stunt for years…
….And none of them have made history for it.
#sexism
Busted
Just now, a normal-looking man stops me on the street:
Man: “Excuse me Miss, do you have change for a dollar?”
Me: “No, sorry, no change– just regular dollars!”
Man: “Yes, that’s what I asked…do you have a dollar?”
Me: “Ohhhhhh! I thought you said CHANGE for a dollar!”
Man: “No. I said ‘Do you have a dollar?'”
Me: “Oh. No…”
