To all my amazing friends (and there are so many of you!) who told me, “I can’t wait to follow your blog and I’ll definitely share it on my Facebook page,” you are seriously the BEST and I am so so sooooooo thankful!!!!!!
Now can you actually do it?
All posts by Emily
You’ve Ruined Everything, Bill
Dear Men,
It used to be endearing to see you all in your Bill Cosby-esque sweaters during holiday season.
Now, make no mistake, you look like rapists.
Emily
#uglysweaters
#officialuniformofrapists
Stop Staring at Me, Sir
You know how when you go to the gym before work in the winter, and it’s cold so you have to bundle up, so you put on your shorts and tank top, then throw huge sweats over it so you don’t freeze on the walk there? And you know how sometimes you get to the gym, snag the nearest treadmill, and peel off your sweats as fast as you can, because you are crunched for time? And you know how sometimes you pull down the sweatpants, and then realize you never put on the shorts?
No? Ok so just me then.
#wellarentyouperfect
Statistics
I’m so excited about the number of views my blog has gotten, I don’t even care that 90% of them are most definitely my stalker ex-boyfriend, refreshing his browser every 5 seconds while adding me to his “People to Kill” list, Billy Madison style.
The other 10% are my mom, repeatedly typing the full URL (http://www. included) and yelling, “Steve– am I doing this right?”
In more certain statistics, I am 100% sure my sister has neither looked at my blog nor knows what a blog is.
Happy Hanukkah
While tutoring, the kid hands me a pouch of chocolate gelt…
Kid: “I got you this for Hanukkah!”
Me: “Aww, thanks kiddo! I love gelt!”
Kid: “Really?”
Me: “Of course!”
Kid: “Ok good. Because I WANTED to get you a REALLY nice gift like the one I got my teacher for Christmas, but my Mom said Hanukkah is not really the most important holiday for jewish people. Like it’s not like how Christmas is for us.”
Me: “Well, that’s actually true– your mom is a smart lady!”
Your mom is an anti-semite.
#happyhanukkah
Relax, I am Only a Danger to Myself
Dear New Moms,
Yes, I washed my hands before touching your baby.
I’m childless, not a degenerate.
Emily
Worrisome Things I Do
Sometimes I text myself a reminder about something, and then 2 seconds later get genuinely excited when I receive a text, because I forgot that I just texted myself.
#dontsmokepotincollege #smokelesspotincollege
Wise Move, Mama Gump
There’s a reason Forrest’s mama decided to die on a Tuesday.
#tuesday
#weirdlyworsethanmonday
This Scattered Guy
So. Dating has come to this.
Teacher secret #8692380912384
We don’t actually care how your weekend was.
