Tag Archives: planes

I Woke Up With A Penis In My Face 

Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , ,

Let me explain. 

I sleep very deeply on flights. Knowing this about myself, I usually request a window seat so that I can snooze/drool/snore against the wall of the plane and not be in anyone’s way. But for this particular flight to LA, I ended up in the aisle seat. 

In the middle and window seat were a younger boy and girl, around college age. When they sat down during boarding, they immediately began to canoodle– at which point, as a means of survival, I forced myself into a deep sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I’m perfectly fine with couples who are in love and happy, I just don’t need that happiness spilling over the armrest and into my bag of Doritos. 

I conked out immediately, before the plane even took off. I guess at some point, the limber young man in the window seat had to pee and didn’t want to wake me, so he climbed over me like a ninja. Which worked well on his way to the bathroom. I slept right through it. Unfortunately, on the way back, his catlike skills were no match for my contorted napping pose and my tendency to sleep-spasm. I shifted right as he was crawling over me, causing him to slip on the armrest and fall penis-first into my face. 

His girlfriend laughed hysterically. I laughed too, because there was nothing else to do. The guy was apologetic and mortified. But the good news is that we all got to spend the next three hours sitting next to each other in a confined, intimate space. Our continental breakfast, served moments later, was a fairly awkward meal. 

Was I annoyed? Eh, yes and no. To be honest, waking up with a penis in my face is totally fine with me. But as a grown, educated, independent woman, I think I have earned the right to choose said penis. 

Complaints That Are Unjustified

Kids/Teaching, Random Thoughts/Happenings, , , ,

Look, I’m all about complaining, especially when it comes to travel. I’ve had my fair share of annoying experiences, ranging from pilots having caffeine withdrawal to kids constantly asking if they can have one of whatever candy I’m eating (the answer, for the record, is always no, unless you’ll be satisfied with the yellow flavor, which you NEVER. ARE.)

But I’m sitting here on this flight, taking off on time, plenty of overhead space and legroom. Despite the fact that I am heading back to the frozen tundra death trap of despair and crushed dreams, things are good. There are plenty of kids on the flight, but so far everyone is lovey and well-behaved.

Enter dramatic, exasperated, head-to-toe-in-Vinyard-Vines passenger. This guy is actually wearing full blown foundation and what I’m fairly certain is mascara. He sits down in the row across from me, takes one look at the row behind him, and, in the rudest, most unnecessarily put-upon fashion, sighs and exclaims, “EVERY time I fly, there are children on the plane. EVERY TIME! Just my luck!”

Ok, man. Relax. You’re not allowed to be annoyed by the sheer fact that children exist on this plane. Children make up a fairly large part of the population, and if you think you’re going to get on a 200-person plane and not encounter any, you’re about as delusional as I was this morning when I considered faking Ebola symptoms in order to not have to fly back to NY. This is a plane, not a cocktail bar on a Saturday night. Children (even babies!) are allowed to be here. Furthermore, you’re on a 12:05pm Delta flight from West Palm Beach during a school vacation, not a chopper stealthily escaping war-torn Afghanistan in the middle of the night. That is pretty much the only flight situation I can think of that might have a chance of not involving children.

So relax, man. These kids are being lovely.

In the meantime, keep eating your heavily spiced Mexican food in this cramped, confined spice before they’ve turned on the AC. Because that’s FAR less offensive and avoidable than the existence of kids.

P.S. When these kids start pissing me off, I’m totally on your side.

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