Me: “Ok, so I thought about it and it turns out I don’t actually have to feel guilty that I’m going to the Outer Banks a couple days before you. I mean I still do feel guilty, but I don’t actually have to.”

Eric: “Huh? Why would you feel guilty?”

Me: “Because I’m leaving you here alone to go have fun! But then I thought, if we add up all the hours you were at Phish without me, then really, we’re even on the ‘I’m doing my favorite thing without you’ scale. So, see, I don’t really technically have to feel guilty.”

Eric: (silent bafflement)

Me: “What?”

Eric: “That can’t possibly be how your brain works.”

Oh, but it is.