June 25, 2014
Me: “So are you excited for summer?”
Kid: “Ummm does a bear shift in the woods?!”
Me: “I’m sorry, does a bear WHAT?”
Kid: “Shift. In the woods.”
Me: “SHIFT?”
Kid: “Yes– like shift around. My dad says it all the time. Does a bear shift in the woods?”
Me: “Umm I don’t know. Does it?”
Kid: (exasperated) “Oh my gosh, seriously? The answer is YES, OF COURSE!”
June 24th, 2014
Just now at dismissal…
Parent: “Two days left of school! How many drinks are YOU going to have on Thursday?”
Me: “Aww, none! I’m going to miss these kids so much!”
Seventeen. I will have seventeen drinks.
Chatting with the mom of the kid I tutor, I mention that my sister is having a baby. Mom claps her hands and yells “That’s so exciting!” Kid enters room.
Kid: “What’s so exciting?”
Mom: “There’s going to be a brand new baby in Miss Emily’s family!”
Kid (wide-eyed): “I knew it! I KNEW you were pregnant!”
“You’re everything, everything, I wish I could be” — man in the apartment above my bathroom, right after I sang, “Did I ever tell you you’re my hero?”
Because apparently, he can hear me.
Honest report card writing is tough.
Kid: “I told my dad you won the half marathon, and he said that can’t be true.”
Me: “Well did you tell him what I told you, that finishing is winning?”
Kid: “Yeah.”
Me: “And?”
Kid: “He said that’s what losers say.”
“Everyone has a therapist. I have a therapist!” — my therapist.
“You’re a teacher? Damn, girl…you’re like savin’ the world and shit!” — Cashier at Fairway
Career choice validated.
Waiter: “Anything to drink, ma’am?”
Me: “Hmm…I’m trying to watch my diet.”
Waiter: “Water? Iced tea?”
Me: “BLT bloody mary– but with TURKEY bacon, please.”
#thingsadultsdo
Every person I’ve spoken to this week: “I hear some congratulations are in order!”
Me: “Aw thanks, yeah the race went really well!”
Every person: “I meant because your sister’s pregnant.”
Me: “Oh. Yes. That.”
