The best thing about being a sarcastic person is that people always know when I’m joking and no one ever gets offended.
All posts by Emily
Sassy Pedicurist: Nice Feet Bring Good Man
Sassy Pedicurist’s final words of wisdom before I head to Israel:
Me: “Any advice as I head into a country possibly on the brink of war?”
Sassy: “Wear shoe with open toe. Feet look good with pedicure. The men, they notice this.”
Me: “Ok. I meant, like, safety advice.”
Sassy: “Yes. This is for safety. Nice feet bring good man to protect you.”
Me: “Ah, got it.”
Sassy: “You go with friends?”
Me: “Yes. My two girlfriends.”
Sassy: “They have husband?”
Me: “No.”
Sassy: “Three husband you need. This is harder. You bring lots of polish for touch up.”
Announcement
July 16, 2014
My sister has a tiny penis inside her!!!!!
….and that tiny penis helped create an even TINIER penis!
IT’S A BOY!!!!!!!!!
Familiar Faces
That moment when the patient before you steps out of your therapist’s office, and you know him. From J-date.
Sassy Pedicurist: You Meet Husband, Danger is Ok
July 10, 2014
Sassy Pedicurist’s take on going to Israel, mid-war:
Me: “Do you think I should still go?”
Sassy: “Dangerous. But I have client who go and meet husband there. You meet husband there, danger is ok.”
Me: “So you’re saying it’s worth risking my life to meet a husband?”
Sassy (shrugging): “What life you have with no husband?”
Me: “Excuse me, I have a—”
Sassy: “None. No life.”
Wonderings
I know it’s POSSIBLE to cook without a George Foreman grill, I’m just wondering HOW it’s done and also if you’ll do it for me.
Good Samaritan of the Day– This Lady:
Lady (to me, on the subway platform): “Miss, just so you know, that guy over there is taking pictures of your ass with his iPhone.”
Me: (rolling my eyes) “Oy, thanks for letting me know. God, so many perverts in this city! But what can ya do?”
Lady: “Maybe start by fixing your skirt. It’s tucked into your underwear.”
If Only
If needless worrying counted as exercise, I’d have the body of a runway model.
What’s MY Excuse
June 30, 2014
That moment when your expanding pregnant sister tells you she plans to just rotate wearing the same 3 loose dresses all summer, and you realize you’ve been pulling that move since 2004.
Sassy Pedicurist: I Just Try To Do You Favor
June 28, 2014
Kicking off summer right with Sassy Pedicurist:
Sassy: “I see you get sun.”
Me: “Yes, I laid out in the park today.”
Sassy: “Sun bad for skin. Give you wrinkles.”
Me: “And let me guess…THIS is why I don’t have a husband?”
Sassy: “I just try to do you favor.”
Me: “Well, thanks. But I’m doing just fine.”
Sassy: “My cousin say that. She die alone.”
