“Your attempt to flirt your way out of this is so painful, I’m just going to let you go.”– Cop who just pulled me over for speeding
All posts by Emily
All Single People Should Meet Each Other
Kid: “My mom wants you to meet her friend.”
Me: “Oh? Why is that?”
Kid: “Because he’s just like you.”
Me: “How so?”
Kid: “He celebrates Hanukkah.”
Me: “I see.”
Kid: “Also he’s not married. And Mom says he’s not getting any younger.”
Affection
One of my tactile-sensitive students begins stroking the back of my hand as he reads his book.
Me: “You like the feel of my hand, huh?”
Kid: “I like the wrinkles.”
Curiosity
Kid: (pointing) “What’s that?”
Me: “My face.”
Kid: “No, THAT.”
Me: “A pimple.”
Kid: “What’s that stuff on it?”
Me: “Makeup.”
Kid: “Why?”
Me: “To cover it.”
Kid: “But I can still see it.”
Me: “Yes. You’ve made that quite clear.”
Sassy Pedicurist: Feet Like THIS?!
Latest Sassy Pedicurist encounter:
Me: “I had my 10 year college reunion this weekend.”
Sassy: “And you come for pedicure NOW? You go to party with feet like THIS?”
Me: “Relax. I wore close-toed shoes the whole time.”
Sassy: (disapproving glare) “You see old boyfriends?”
Me: “No, actually. None of them were there!”
Sassy: “Mmm hmmm. They stay home with their wives. Wives with nice feet.”
Modern Day Field Trip Hazards
“Kids– it’s crowded in here so please be careful and try not to bump into all the people taking selfies” is something I had to say during our trip to the museum.
Misunderstandings
May 15, 2014
A girl my age walks into the bagel store this morning wearing full blown pajamas, Hunter boots, and carrying a huge Lululemon bag. We lock eyes and I laugh.
Me: “Pajama Day at school?”
Her: “Huh?”
Me: “Are you a teacher?”
Her: “No….”
Me: “Oh.”
Artistry
To my extremely argumentative tutoring student:
Me: “Anyone ever tell you that you should be a lawyer when you grow up?”
Kid: “No. My dad says I’m going to be an artist.”
Me: “Really? Like a painter?”
Kid: “No. Something called a BS artist.”
Great. So we’re all on the same page.
The Chicken or the Egg
Dear exasperated dad on the street,
Have you considered that your child is acting like an animal BECAUSE you have him on a leash?
Just something to think about.
Emily
Touché, 8 year old. Tou. Fucking. Ché.
Kid: “There’s something I noticed about the teacher species.”
Me: “Interesting. And what’s that?”
Kid: “They’re very nosy.”
Me: “How so?”
Kid: “They just always want to know everything.”
Me: “Like what?”
Kid: “Everything. They just ask a million questions.”
Me: “Like who? Specifically?”
Kid: “See!”
