The kid I’m tutoring keeps pronouncing the name “Virginia” (used repeatedly in her test prep book), as “Vagina.” In silent protest to state testing of 8 year olds, I am not correcting her.
All posts by Emily
Shitty Solutions
How is it that we have Internet on airplanes, but the best solution we have for rain is this shitty umbrella, which essentially turns the NYC streets into a massive, modern day sword fight? Is somebody working on this???
Too Much Brownie
Remind me to think of a new example for teaching fractions. And to not use this mom’s recipe.
Me: “So which is greater– 1/4 or 1/2?”
Kid: “1/4”
Me: “Hmmm. Ok. Let’s look at it this way” (drawing picture) “Imagine we have these two nice big brownies. They’re the same size. Would you rather have a piece from the one I cut in 2 equal parts or the one I cut into 4 equal parts?”
Kid: “The one you cut into 4.”
Me: “You sure? Explain.”
Kid: “Because when I eat too much brownie, I get diarrhea. Especially when my mom makes them.”
Things We Say At Work, Part 2
You can never be too careful around here.
Me (to student): “Give me a high five…but with your elbow…the elbow without the rash.”
Trapped
Kid: “My dad says sometimes it’s ok to lie.”
Me: “Hmmm I don’t know about that. I think honesty is the best policy.”
Kid: “Ok. Well then do you think I’m going to pass the state test?”
Damnit.
School Issue
The mom of the 4th grader I tutor told me her daughter has a “school issue” that maybe I can help with…
Me: “What’s going on, kiddo?”
Kid: “I just hate school. But it’s hard to explain.”
Me: “Ok, well, I didn’t really love school when I was your age either, so I bet I can help.”
Kid: “It’s just…school is boring. I feel like I already know everything. And sometimes it’s hard being smarter than everyone.”
Me: (silence)
Kid: “Do you know what I mean?”
Me: “No. I literally do not.”
Panic/Relief
That panic-filled moment in an argument when it dawns on you that you are wrong, followed immediately by that relief-filled moment when you decide to never, ever admit it.
The Best Thing
When my future children ask, “Mom, what’s the best thing that ever happened to you?” I will say this:
“They” say
March, 2014
Thank you all so much for the tremendous outpouring of birthday love, both online and off. I’m a very lucky woman. It’s going to be a fabulous year! And hey, they say 32 is the new 25!*
*”They” are my parents, and they’re worried I’m about to lose my shit.
Goddamn Elevator
That moment when you get in the elevator and hit the button for the floor you’re ON, rather than the floor you’re going TO– not once, not twice, but 3 times– and start cursing the idle elevator for being so stupid.
That subsequent moment when your super, who is standing in the lobby watching this scene unfold, silently puts his hand in the elevator and hits “6” for you, because he can see that you are not going to crack this code on your own.
