If the quality of one’s week is measured in number of times chipotle was consumed, this was the best week of my life.
Or, arguably, the worst
All posts by Emily
New Lows
January 29th, 2014– the day I took a cab 4 blocks to work. (“What you ask is ridiculous ma’am, no?” — surprisingly judgmental yet rational cabbie.).
Competition
Yes, toned little 20-something on the treadmill next to mine– we are racing.
And I’m winning.
Weird Things I Have in My Apartment
“Jolly Ranchers? What are you, a child molester?” — my brother Zack, eyeing my candy jar.
School Stays Open in Blizzard
January 22, 2014
No snow day, De Blasio? Fine. I’ll go to work. But if you think I’m not spending the entire day teaching my kids how to build and fast-pitch the perfect snowball, followed by target practice at Gracie Mansion, you are sorely mistaken.
Last Chance
Dear Society,
I’m sorry. Today’s look– from hair to makeup to outfit– was the best I could muster this morning. I will try again tomorrow.
I understand I am running out of chances,
Emily
Rethinking my Lifestyle
Wine store cashier: “Oh, hi Emily! Only ONE bottle today?”
Joke’s on YOU
January 18, 2014
Dear asshole who stole my winter coat last night,
Joke’s on you. Both pockets have holes in them– I hope you lose something valuable. Also, that coat has been hanging out in a public school for 2 years…good luck not catching lice from the fur-trimmed hood.
Really counting on karma’s wondrous ability to be a bitch,
Emily
Uh Oh
January 15, 2014
Ten seconds after giving him a detailed, no-holds-barred account of my physical and mental health history and habits, I found out that my new doctor has a child at my school.
90% chance I lose my job tomorrow.
Mean Week
My new favorite person = this kid’s mother…
I just reached into my work bag while tutoring a 2nd grader, and a tampon fell out of it.
Kid: “Uh oh. Is it your mean week?”
Me: “I’m sorry–what? Mean week?”
Kid: “My mom uses those during her mean week.”
Me: “Your mom and I have that in common.”
Kid: (gets up, goes to kitchen, comes back, places a Hershey Kiss on the table). “Here. This will help.”
