All posts by Emily

Feminist

November 30, 2014Dating/Single Life, Random Thoughts/HappeningsfeminismEmily

I’m a feminist and all, but I still think men are just naturally better at some things. Like paying for stuff and letting me go first.

Lisps

November 30, 2014Kids/TeachinglispEmily

Comforting a child who is upset about receiving speech services….
Me: “There’s nothing wrong with getting extra help. Actually, when I was a kid, I used to get help with my speech.”
Kid: “Really, why?”
Me: “Well, I used to have a hard time pronouncing certain sounds, because I had something called a lisp.”
Kid: “Oh yeah. I noticed that.”

Alright. Well. Screw you.

My Hero

November 30, 2014Kids/TeachingEmily

2nd new favorite person (right behind “Mean Week” mom), THIS lady:

Former student spots me shopping on the street…
Student: “Hi Miss Emily! Mom! Look, it’s Miss Emily!”
Mom (grabbing arm of child): “Don’t talk to Miss Emily when she’s on vacation. She looks happy.”

Valentines Day

November 30, 2014Kids/TeachingEmily

February 14, 2014

Thanks to all the 3rd grade boys who handed me valentines today, but more importantly thank you for the awkward, ass-out hugs that followed.

Again, No Snow Day

November 30, 2014Kids/TeachingEmily

February 13, 2014

Today, kids, we will write letters to De Blasio using only letters cut from magazines and pictures of eyes.

Regrets

November 30, 2014Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I DoEmily

February 12, 2014

Dear Afternoon Self,

I’m pretty sure I just screwed you with that “Why CAN’T I eat a box of chocolates for breakfast?” experiment. The likely answer is that I am not pregnant, Peggy Bundy, or a cartoon character.

Sorry you feel like death,

Morning Self

Sassy Pedicurist: My Boots

November 30, 2014Random Thoughts/Happeningssassy pedicuristEmily

Sassy Pedicurist is wasting no time these days. The moment I walk into the nail salon…
Me: “Pedicure, please.”
Sassy: (staring at my boots) “After pedicure you go to moon?”

(For the record, she is about the 10th person to make this joke about my boots, but this is the first time I’ve had a burst-into-laughter response because a) everything is funnier in broken english and b) I am very, very afraid of her.)

Today’s Classroom Agenda, In a Blizzard

November 30, 2014Kids/TeachingEmily

February 5, 2014

For those students who win the ice pellet battle and actually make it to school, Today’s Classroom Agenda:
-Lesson 1: How to exercise your rights as citizens through letters to Mayor De Blasio.
-Lesson 2: Using nicknames in your greeting is an effective way to establish familiarity. Try “Dickhead” or “Asshat.” “Douchelord” if you’re feeling fancy.
-Lesson 3: Bodies of letters don’t always have to be formal paragraphs. Sometimes it’s ok to just make a list of reasons you hate someone.
-Lesson 4: Get creative with your closing! Phrases like “Watch your back” or “I’m coming for you” are thoughtful and fun.
-Lesson 5: Sometimes people need to know you’re serious. Signing your name in blood (perhaps the blood from the wound you sustained on that black ice during your walk to school) is a good way to communicate that.