November 7, 2013
Two dates with this guy, don’t hear from him for two weeks, then receive this text. Sex and The City this is not.
All posts by Emily
The Morning After
November 1, 2013
Dear Students,
Remember this day-after-Halloween feeling (hazy, exhausted, regretful, with a 90% chance of vomit). This is how you will feel every single morning in college, if you’re doing it right. Start developing coping mechanisms now. Those of you who packed a little hair of the dog in your lunches (or better yet ate it for breakfast) are off to a good start.
Because I care about you,
Miss Emily
Rejection
Brain fried from report card writing. Just placed a call for sushi delivery and when the lady told me to have a nice night, I inexplicably replied, “Thanks, love you too.” After an awkward pause came the “Ok. Thank you, ma’am.” And we all know there’s nothing worse than getting a “thank you” in response to a declaration of love.
Thankful
Nothing makes you appreciate being single like watching families in airports. As I witness an exasperated mother try to soothe her crying baby while dad drags their screaming toddler on a leash, I can’t help but thank god that my only responsibility in this moment is to eat this giant Toblerone without throwing up.
Do I Know You?
October 5, 2013
Dear Online Dating,
Thank you for this new, unexpected social challenge: I am now unable to tell if this guy I’m being introduced to/walking next to on the street/exchanging glances with in a bar looks familiar because I’ve met him before, or because I’ve seen him online. Saying “you look familiar” is no longer a conversation starter, it’s a dangerous trap that 80% of the time results in me being busted for profile stalking.
As if I needed more opportunities to be awkward,
Emily
“Miss Emily, you look different today…”
October 4, 2013
When my student complimented my “different” look this morning, I said: “Thanks kiddo! Thought I’d try something new today!”
Here’s what I wanted to say:
“Thanks kiddo! But truth is, Miss Emily is a goddamn disaster. Dropped my only set of keys down the elevator shaft when I got home last night and couldn’t get into my apartment. So I stumbled over to a friend’s place, slept there, and borrowed a dress for school today. I didn’t have any of my toiletries or hair products, so that’s why I don’t look like myself. My makeup is 8 shades too light and my dress a size too small. Let’s not even discuss the underwear situation. And I appreciate that you are suggesting I look nice, but you’re 8, and let’s be honest, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Now walk away from Miss Emily before she cries.”
Well. This just happened.
September 22, 2013
Me: “I’ll have a grande skim mocha, please.”
Barista: “Grande skim mocha for Emily!”
Me: “Woah, how’d you know my name?”
Barista: “We dated.”
Epiphany
September 17, 2013
My elementary school teachers disliked me not because I was spacey, but because I gave them strawberry jam as holiday gifts. Had I known then what I know now, I would have slipped them cash and introduced them to a nice man.
A Letter to This Stranger Walking Next to Me
Dear Stranger,
I’m sorry that I’m making you uncomfortable. But if you’re going to carry an umbrella that big in NYC, I’m going to walk under it with you.
Emily
A Letter to God (Yom Kippur 2013)
Hi God!
Here’s the deal– I’m not fasting. But here are some jewy things I’ve done so far today to make up for it:
1. Ran 18 miles (aka: suffered)
2. Woke up anxious
3. Argued with the CVS cashier about the validity of my coupon (and saved a cool 3 bucks!)
4. Gave my unsolicited opinion
5. Complained about my hair
6. Wandered
And tonight I plan to dance with no rhythm, but believe wholeheartedly in the moment that I look awesome.
Hope this will suffice,
Emily
