Latest Sassy Pedicurist encounter:
Me: “I had my 10 year college reunion this weekend.”
Sassy: “And you come for pedicure NOW? You go to party with feet like THIS?”
Me: “Relax. I wore close-toed shoes the whole time.”
Sassy: (disapproving glare) “You see old boyfriends?”
Me: “No, actually. None of them were there!”
Sassy: “Mmm hmmm. They stay home with their wives. Wives with nice feet.”
While tutoring…
Kid: “Are you 30?”
Me: “No. 32.”
Kid: “Do you have kids?”
Me: “No.”
Kid: “Are you married?”
Me: “No.”
Kid: “Oh geez…” (Screaming over her shoulder) “MOMMMM!!!!! YOU WERE RIGHT!!!!!”
I’m a feminist and all, but I still think men are just naturally better at some things. Like paying for stuff and letting me go first.
Ok, social media moms– if you insist I know exactly how long you’ve had YOUR babies, then I insist you know how long I’ve had mine.
Last night’s first date. I think we can all agree this was over before it started
.
November 7, 2013
Two dates with this guy, don’t hear from him for two weeks, then receive this text. Sex and The City this is not.
Nothing makes you appreciate being single like watching families in airports. As I witness an exasperated mother try to soothe her crying baby while dad drags their screaming toddler on a leash, I can’t help but thank god that my only responsibility in this moment is to eat this giant Toblerone without throwing up.
October 5, 2013
Dear Online Dating,
Thank you for this new, unexpected social challenge: I am now unable to tell if this guy I’m being introduced to/walking next to on the street/exchanging glances with in a bar looks familiar because I’ve met him before, or because I’ve seen him online. Saying “you look familiar” is no longer a conversation starter, it’s a dangerous trap that 80% of the time results in me being busted for profile stalking.
As if I needed more opportunities to be awkward,
Emily
September 22, 2013
Me: “I’ll have a grande skim mocha, please.”
Barista: “Grande skim mocha for Emily!”
Me: “Woah, how’d you know my name?”
Barista: “We dated.”
My Sassy Pedicurist, while examining the state of my marathon-season feet….
Sassy: “Running is good. Keep you thin. But give you feet like man.”
Me: “At least I have all my toenails this time!”
Sassy: “No toenail, no problem. I paint over. This (pointing to blister) I can’t do nothing. You lucky summer over. No man want to see this.”
Me: “But I have a date tonight. I’m wearing sandals.”
Sassy: (With a stern look of disapproval) “I do what I can. But you want husband, you wear socks tonight.”
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