Because, as my male friend just informed me, my post Well, Yeah, Kid- Every Girl Loves a Blowjob was extremely misleading and disappointing.
So I’m sorry to all the men who read the title of that post and felt hopeful, for a brief second, that the world was exactly the opposite of everything they’ve known and experienced their entire lives.
It’s not.
There’s a reason your wife stopped doing that once you married her.
I know I’m in a winter funk when half the emojis in my “recently used” section are weapons.
“But Emily, thumbtacks are hardly a weapon! They’re a nifty teacher tool!” Not when you place them next to these wide-eyed peepers 👀.
“Ok, but a bathtub? Looks relaxing!” Yeah, until I drop in this guy 🔌
“And the running emoji? Looks like someone’s still getting her workouts in!” Nope. Just trying to outrun the high speed locomotive coming right at me. 🚊
Don’t be so naive, guys.
Every dog I see on my walk to work this morning is wearning a nicer sweater than anything I own.
FINALLY, new emojis are being released to include more races/ethnicities, which is great news because it just KILLS me that I can’t currently send a Mexican Santa. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT SANTA IS MEXICAN.
However, while I am thrilled that emojis are now representative of more races, when I saw a sneak peek of these new characters, I became slightly concerned…
(Continuation of I Wonder If This Is What EVERYONE Thinks)
I politely responded to the fan mail from this guy, thanking him for his faith in my attractiveness based on a headless photo. His reply:
I play up a lot of things for the blog. I did not think “desperate ugly girl” was one of them.
When people keep telling you that they want to see more of your twins, they’re talking about your children.
You’re 45. Put those away now.
Does anyone else feel nothing but a huge, GAPING, Joan-Rivers-shaped hole while watching this Oscar red carpet coverage?
The funny girls miss ya, Joan. I hope someone’s around to rip these celebrities a new asshole tomorrow in your honor. (And GOD do I hope they start with Melanie Griffith….)
Got some fan mail the other day! Check it out!
My favorite part is that his “Wait– you’re NOT ugly?!” epiphany is based on a headless photo.
There’s nothing like a bridal shower in the dead of winter to remind you that you’re all alone in this world.
Plus, free wine!
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