Dear Old People,
You are no longer allowed to use self checkout.
Look, it’s not an ageist thing. It’s a me not wanting to be responsible for kicking you in the face thing. I have a hard enough time in society as it is– I don’t want to also have to explain to people why I went ahead and kicked an old lady in the face that one time. No one would understand. Unless they were here with me, right now, in this CVS, watching you take FIFTY YEARS to ring up ONE can of Fancy Feast cat food. (Of COURSE you have a cat. You are KILLING ME.)
So that’s it. No more self check out. K?
Oh Christ. Is that a checkbook?!